Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, July 29 _____________________________________________________ Today, July 29 in 1866 The metric system was legalized by the U.S. Congress for the standardization of weights and measures throughout the United States. 1981 England's Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer were married. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Today's Bonehead Award: Wanted man didn't like police mugshot so sent a more flattering selfie. _______________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! _______________________________________________ There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it. --- Mary Wilson Little Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public. --- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956) _____________________________________________________ A class from a nearby university was visiting a major drug manufacturer. The tour guide led the students to a glass- enclosed room. They could see several people in white lab coats. With her back to the glass, the guide announced: "In this room researchers are actively searching for a cure for cancer." She stopped short as the group broke out laughing. Puzzled, the guide turned to look. Through the glass she saw three scientists in animated debate, flipping through a Pizza menu. ______________________________________________________` Best space pictures of the week _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Stephen Murphy, 33, Lincolnshire, Great Britain r Wanted man didn't like police mugshot so sent a more flattering selfie. An on-the-run former model who claims he is better looking than David Beckham sent police a selfie to help them with their appeal. He said: 'And if you get my name right and don't put the worst picture of me on, when I've been up for three days in Boston cop shop, you might be able to find me. Post this, it's better for you.' He is wanted for failing to turn up to court on July 9 where he faced charges of causing criminal damage in Boston on May 8. Murphy has also been mocking police on his Facebook page, uploading pictures of them, saying 'I run this town, not you.' He also has topless pictures of himself with around 100 in 20 laid out on his chest. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Oliver Re: Spam with same sender and recipient address Dear Webby, How do I get rid of the nuisance spam that forges my address as the sender address? I do occasionally send excerpts of mails to myself and so can't blacklist myself. I use Mailwasher to clean my mail. It works great but I can't figure out how to tell it when my address is forged. Oliver Dear Oliver The easiest way to do that is to put a code word into the Subject line, for example "a19" Then make a filter that specifies that all mail that CONTAINS your address in the FROM field AND DOESN'T CONTAIN "a19" in the SUBJECT is trashed, automatically, unseen. If you accidentally forget to add your secret code word, that's no big deal. Just re-send it WITH the code word. There is a fringe benefit to that method. Once you have received that mail, you can automatically filter it into, for example, the ARCHIVE-2019 box. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. A political pollster knocked on the door and a sour-faced lady answered. "What party does your husband belong to?" he asked. The lady responded curtly, "I sir, am the party he belongs to." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
The Israeli Army major was used to word-wars with the hot-shot Israeli Air Force fliers about crazy Army Tzanhanim (Paratroopers) jumping out of a perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer said during an exercise, "because they pay you Air Force schmucks four times as much to stay in one, as the Army pays its men to jump." "You've got it all wrong, Major," the Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is too dumb to kvetch* about the salary." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Color Coordinated Children Have each child pick their favorite color and they have their own bath towels and wash cloths, clothes baskets and their own clothing hangers. So when Mom's not at home, they can find their own laundry to take to their rooms to put up or to shower with. thriftyfun.Com ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ A man was struck by a bus on a busy New York City street. He lies on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd, but there's no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A priest, please," the injured man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a wrinkled and wizened Jewish man of advanced years. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for 50 years now I've lived behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I've listened to the Catholic rites. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agrees and brings the old man over to where the man lies. The old man kneels down on the sidewalk, leans over the injured victim and intones in a solemn voice: "Under the Bee, 4 Under the Eye, 19 Under the End, 38 Under the Jeep, 54 Under the Oh, 72 Ohhh Chit." ___________________________________________________ Back in the days when Roman galleys plied the Mediterranean, a crew of oarsmen was sweating and straining to propel the ship through high seas when the first mate appeared. "I've got good news and bad news," he says. "The good news is we've spotted an island, so the plan is to stop, drink rum, hunt a couple of wild boars, have a feast and relax with the native girls." The sailors all cheer in happiness, all but one, who asks, "And what is the bad news?" "Well," the first mate replies, "tomorrow, the captain wants to go water skiing." ___________________________________________________ John was bragging to a friend about his new hearing aid. "Yeah, it's a beaut," he says. "Top of the line. Deluxe model. Cost me $4,000 bucks." "What kind is it?" his friend asks politely. "Twelve-thirty." __________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
A woman calls her husband to report trouble with the car. "What's the problem?" her husband asks. Says the wife, "It has water in the carburetor." "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor," his wife says. "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out when I get off work. Where is the car?" Says the wife: "In the neihbor's pool." ___________________________________________________ | Today, July 29 in 1588 The English defeated the Spanish Armada in the Battle of Gravelines. 1754 The first international boxing match was held. The 25-minute match was won when Jack Slack of Britain knocked out Jean Petit from France. 1773 The first schoolhouse to be located west of the Allegheny Mountains was built in Schoenbrunn, OH. 1874 Major Walter Copton Winfield of England received U.S. patent for the lawn-tennis court. 1914 The first transcontinental telephone service was inaugurated when two people held a conversation between New York, NY and San Francisco, CA. 1940 John Sigmund of St. Louis, MO, completed a 292-mile swim down the Mississippi River. The swim from St. Louis to Caruthersville, MO took him 89 hours and 48 minutes. 1950 Disney's adaptation of Robert Louis Stevenson's "Treasure Island" was released. 1957 The International Atomic Energy Agency was established. 1958 The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) was authorized by the U.S. Congress. 1968 Pope Paul VI reaffirmed the Roman Catholic Church's stance against artificial methods of birth control. 1975 OAS (Organization of American States) members voted to lift collective sanctions against Cuba. The U.S. government welcomed the action and announced its intention to open serious discussions with Cuba on normalization. 1981 England's Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer were married. 1985 General Motors announced that Spring Hill, TN, would be the home of the Saturn automobile assembly plant. 1993 The Israeli Supreme Court acquitted retired Ohio autoworker John Demjanjuk of being Nazi death camp guard "Ivan the Terrible." His death sentence was thrown out and he was set free. 1997 Minamata Bay in Japan was declared free of mercury 40 years after contaminated food fish were blamed for deaths and birth defects. 1998 The United Auto Workers union ended a 54-day strike against General Motors. The strike caused $2.8 billion in lost revenues. 2005 Astronomers announced that they had discovered a new planet (Xena) larger than Pluto in orbit around the sun. 2019 Do smiled. |
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