Good Morning, Do, Today is Monday, May 7 Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Arrest made after hit-and-run crash involving crossing guard in Eatonville Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, May 7 in 1945 Germany signed unconditional surrender ending World War II. It would take effect the next day. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.' --- Ronnie Shakes There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid the labor of thinking --- Thomas A. Edison (1847 - 1931) The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. --- Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955) All phone calls are obscene. --- Karen Elizabeth Gordon ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ All phone calls are obscene. --- Karen Elizabeth Gordon Right. All of my friends know that my hearing is no longer suitable for phone, so they use Skype or email. When the phone does ring, I answer with "Are YOLU a useless nuisance Telemarketer?" If it is a robo call, I put the phone onto the speaker and let them listen to AccuRadio, or whatever I got playing. Eventually they hang up. Some of them are scammers and they want to record you saying "yes", and use that to send you crap. I used to play a recording of cusswords read by Text-to-speech set to Frankenstein, but that is almost more hassle than it is worth, so nowadays I just waste their time and dime by putting the phone onto my left side speaker. I have made up my mind a long time ago to NEVER deal with telemarketers. If they don't have email, then they are not in my league, and need to grow up. If enough people adopt that attitude, they will stop being a nuisance. If you like being creative, you can record a bit of Fats Waller's "Your Feet's too big" Yes, your feet's too big Don't want ya 'cause ya feet's too big Can't use ya 'cause ya feet's too big I really hate ya 'cause ya feet's too big... Fats Waller, your feets too big Just record it with Audacity or any recorder program, save it as MP4, set it to loop endlessly, and save it to your desktop. Make or select a cute icon for it. Then when a telemarketer calls, hit that and let Fats Waller tell them why he hates them. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it. The man said, "Cure it? How about making it permanent?" _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by No mug shot to avoid racial profiling LaShawna T. Quinn, 36 Eatonville, Florida Arrest made after hit-and-run crash involving crossing guard in Eatonville LaShawna, the driver of a black Mercedes allegedly involved in a hit-and-run crash with a crossing guard in Eatonville has been arrested, officials said. LaShawna T. Quinn, 36, is accused of hitting the crossing guard and then fleeing the scene, police said. The crossing guard was helping a child cross the street shortly after 8 a.m. at West Kennedy Boulevard and Wymore Road when the black Mercedes hit her while she was making a left turn, police said. Investigators said the child had not yet started crossing when the crossing guard was hit. The crossing guard was struck on the leg, but was back on the job at the same intersection a few hours after being hit. "For the kids to see her out here, it speaks volumes of her and her care of the community and the kids in the community," mayor Cole said. LaShawna Quinn is facing charges of aggravated battery with a motor vehicle, hit and run and failure to stop at a crosswalk, and driving without a license. Tech Support Pits From: Doug Re: Speeding up a laptop Dear Webby, Looking into speeding up my startup, cleaning up the taskbar, and generally cleaning up my laptop. Unfortunately there are is a vast amount of people on the net, telling me all the steps, secrets and adjustments to make to do all the above. My problem is who do I trust? Who is up to date? Who has the right strategies? I want to do this right, and do not want to screw up the laptop. I run Windows 7 Professional. Have a great day. Doug Dear Doug A) The fastest your laptop ever ran, was when you started it up the first time. B) The more utilities and speeder-uppers you put on it, the more convenient but also the slower it got. You will have to find a compromise point somewhere between A) and B). Here are some guidelines: If your machine is infected with Norton, get rid of it. use Malwarebytes Assign 4 times the amount of RAM you actually have for Virtual memory. Keep at least 20% of the hard drive free. ( By the way, space assigned for virtual memory is NOT free space! Add that amount to the USED space number.) Run Spybot-Search&Destroy, then use it's advanced tools to lock out whatever you can from the start-up. Start up all the cutesy stuff manually, IF and when you actually need it. Run a high quality defragmenter like DisKeeper automatically whenever the screensaver comes on. Don't count on the Windows defragmenter. It does not work right in XP. Be a big spender and get Diskeeper (for just under $30 at http://webby.com/diskeeper. ) All other "utilities" are cutesy muffler tassles. Cute, but if you need speed, you can do without them. Have FUN DearWebby Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam: A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check. After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check. However, due to the name of the company, printed in great big red letters onto the check, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name of the company: 'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company'. Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners. He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk. Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Groan Alert! A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes. "Oh" said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organizing Your Shopping List If you frequent the same grocery store, you probably have a good idea of where products are located. One way to save time is to organize your shopping list by location. This is useful if you send a family member to do the shopping, they won't have to wander around looking for items. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Cookie for this great tip: GREAT SAFETY IDEA : Put your car keys beside your bed at night. If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies. This tip came from a neighborhood watch coordinator. Next time you come home for the night and you start to put your keys away, think of this: It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation. Test it. It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you turn it off! It works if you park in your driveway or garage. If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break in your house, odds are the burglar or rapist won't stick around. After a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that. And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there. ---------- You need a vehicle 10 years newer than mine, but theoretically, it is an excellent idea. ___________________________________________________ "Call me Tex!" was the cowboy's reply. "Well, Tex, where are you from, Texas?" the policeman asked. "Nah, Ah'm from Loosie-anna, but Ah shore don't want you to call me Louise!" ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, May 7 in 0558 The dome of the church of St. Sophia in Constantinople collapsed. It was immediately rebuilt as ordered by Justinian. 1274 The Second Council of Lyons opened in France to regulate the election of the pope. 1429 The English siege of Orleans was broken by Joan of Arc. 1525 The German peasants' revolt was crushed by the ruling class and church. 1763 Indian chief Pontiac began all out war on the British in New York. 1800 The U.S. Congress divided the Northwest Territory into two parts. The western part became the Indiana Territory and the eastern section remained the Northwest Territory. 1912 The first airplane equipped with a machine gun flew over College Park, MD. 1915 The Lusitania, a civilian ship, that was also hauling poison gas and ammo to England, was sunk by a German submarine. 1,201 people were killed. 1926 A U.S. report showed that one-third of the nation's exports were motors. 1937 The German Condor Legion arrived in Spain to assist Franco's forces. 1939 Germany and Italy announced a military and political alliance known as the Rome-Berlin Axis. 1940 Winston Churchill became British Prime Minister. 1942 In the Battle of the Coral Sea, Japanese and American navies attacked each other with carrier planes. It was the first time in the history of naval warfare where two enemy fleets fought without seeing each other. 1943 The last major German strongholds in North Africa, Tunis and Bizerte, fell to Allied forces. 1945 Germany signed unconditional surrender ending World War II. It would take effect the next day. 1946 Tokyo Telecommunications Engineering Corp. was founded. The company was later renamed Sony. 1951 Russia was admitted to participate in the 1952 Olympic Games by the International Olympic Committee. 1954 French Colonial Forces surrendered to the Vietminh at Dien Bien Phu after 55 days of fighting. 1954 The United States and the United Kingdom rejected the Soviet Union's bid to join NATO. 1960 Leonid Brezhnev became president of the Soviet Union. 1975 U.S. President Ford declared an end to the Vietnam War. 1977 Rookie Janet Guthrie set the fastest time on opening day of practice for the Indianapolis 500. Her time was 185.607. 1984 A $180 million out-of-court settlement was announced in the Agent Orange class-action suit brought by Vietnam veterans who claimed they had suffered injury from exposure to the defoliant while serving in the armed forces. 1992 A 203-year-old proposed constitutional amendment barring the U.S. Congress from giving itself a midterm pay raise was ratified as the 27th Amendment. 1994 The Edvard Munch painting "The Scream" was recovered after being stolen 3 months earlier from an Oslo Museum. This version of "The Scream", one of four different versions, was painted on paper. 1996 The trial of Serbian police officer Dusan Tadic opened in the Netherlands. He was later convicted on murder-torture charges and was sentenced to 20 years in prison. 1997 A report released by the U.S. government said that Switzerland provided Nazi Germany with equipment and credit during World War II. Germany exchanged for gold what had been plundered or stolen. Switzerland did not comply with postwar agreements to return the gold. 1998 Daimler-Benz bought Chrysler Corp. for close to $40 billion. It was the largest industrial merger on record. 1999 A jury ruled that "The Jenny Jones Show" and Warner Bros. were liable in the shooting death of Scott Amedure. He was killed by another guest on the show. The jury's award was $25 million. 1999 In Belgrade, Yugoslavia, three Chinese citizens were killed and 20 were wounded when a NATO plane mistakenly bombed the Chinese embassy. 1999 In Guinea-Bissau, the government of President Joo Bernardo Vieira was ousted in a military coup. 2000 Russian President Vladimir V. Putin named First Deputy Premier Mikhail Kasyanov as premier. 2003 In Washington, DC, General Motors Corp. delivered six fuel cell vehicles to Capitol Hill for lawmakers and others to test drive during the next two years. 2003 Roger Moore collapsed during a matinee performance of the Broadway comedy "The Play What I Wrote." He finished the show after a 10-minute break. He was fitted with a pacemaker the following day. 2018 Do smiled. |
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