Good Morning, Do! Today is Thursday, April 7 Today in 1988, Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev agreed to final terms of a Soviet withdrawal from Afghanistan. Soviet troops began leaving on May 16, 1988. ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award 95 year sentence for Chicago man in Elgin double murder ___________________________________________________ We need a president who's fluent in at least one language. --- Buck Henry "We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses." --- C. G. Jung "Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most do." --- Dale Carnegie ___________________________________________________ Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Later, it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother!" ____________________________________________________ A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?" And the minister said, "Lady, I'm in sales, not in air conditioning or tech support." ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her. Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out. The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it." ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ As the bus pulled away, Cindy realized she had left her purse under the seat. She called the company and was relieved that the driver had found it. When she went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded her. One man handed her her empty purse, four typewritten pages and a bushel box containing the contents of her purse. "We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there." As she started to put her belongings back into the purse, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it." ____________________________________________________ Thanks to jason for this one: There was a boy of about 8 who was having a horrible time with his grades in school - math was especially bad. His parents tried everything, but nothing worked, so his parents ended up sending him to a school in Canada. Well, when report card time rolled around, his parents took it, and, with much trepidation, opened it little by little...and saw an A, then another A, and another...however, the final grade was the dreaded one - the mathematics. Well, they opened the page, and saw an A! Incredible! They asked their son what had brought the turnaround, especially in that troubling subject. He said, "Well, when I walked into the classroom, and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they took their math pretty seriously." ___________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Travaris D. Stevenson, 26, Elgin, Chicago, Illinois, USA 95 year sentence for Chicago man in Elgin double murder A Chicago man has been sentenced to 95 years in prison for the murder of two people in Elgin during a drug sale back in 2018. The Kane County State's Attorney's Office says 26-year-old Travaris D. Stevenson was convicted in November last year of shooting and killing 29-year-old Raymond Dyson and 26- year-old Mark McDaniel, both of Elgin. Stevenson, and a co- defendant, had met the victims to sell them marijuana in April of 2018 in Elgin. Prosecutors say Stevenson shot Dyson and McDaniel while they were seated in a car. Stevenson and the defendant fled on foot with the marijuana and were caught shortly after. Stevenson was sentenced to 60 years for first degree murder, 20 years for an armed violence charge, and 15 years for second degree murder. Stevenson is also charged in an unrelated Cook County shooting that happened about a month before the Elgin shooting. ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Helen Re: Spreadsheet date format Dear Webby. I remember when you were the top support for Quattro and Lotus. I have been away for many years, not in jail, though some people wished I was. I am getting back into computing and need some help. Nowadays I am using Open Office, as you recommended. The CALC spreadsheet in it works great and it is quite similar to Quattro, just the menues shuffled a bit, probably so they don't get sued. I remember the huge lawsuits that Lotus hit Quattro with and forced them to mess up their menues. OK, where does CALC hide the command for turning a column into date format, so that any number punched into that column automatically turns into a date? Thanks Helen Dear Helen I remember you! How are you doing now? Click on the header cell of the column, that you want to format. Format Number Format Date The whole column is now instantly shown in date format. Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! __________________________________________ A very beautiful, but not so bright lady schedules a three- hour session with her therapist, and all she wants to talk about is how the constant pressure of being a beautiful, desirable blonde is causing her migraine headaches. For two hours straight, she whines, and cries, and moans about how hard it is to be so sexy, while everyone in the world is jealous of her, and says mean things about her, and calls her dumb, and self-centered, and shallow . . . At the two-and-a-half-hour mark, the blonde suddenly stops in mid sentence and shouts, "Doctor! You're a miracle worker! I'm cured! My headache is gone!" The shrink sighs and replies, "No, it isn't . . . I have it now." --------------- Send her over to me! I love Blondes, or any woman like that! | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen. "Now, where's my bucket and my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" cried Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!" ______________________________________________ A woman from the southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries." Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale.'" ______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face."Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" ___________________________________________________ | Today, April 7, in 1712, A slave revolt broke out in New York City. 1798, The territory of Mississippi was organized. 1862, Union General Ulysses S. Grant defeated Confederates at the Battle of Shiloh, TN. 1864, The first camel race in America was held in Sacramento, California. 1888, P.F. Collier published a weekly periodical for the first time under the name "Colliers." 1922, U.S. Secretary of Interior leased Teapot Dome naval oil reserves in Wyoming. 1927, The first long-distance TV transmission was sent from Washington, DC, to New York City. The audience saw an image of Commerce Secretary Herbert Hoover. 1930, The first steel columns were set for the Empire State Building. 1933, Prohibition ended in the United States. 1940, Booker T. Washington became the first black to be pictured on a U.S. postage stamp. 1943, British and American armies linked up between Wadi Akarit and El Guettar in North Africa to form a solid line against the German army. 1945, The Japanese battleship Yamato, the worlds largest battleship, was sunk during the battle for Okinawa. The fleet was headed for a suicide mission. 1948, The United Nations' World Health Organization began operations. 1953, The Big Four met for the first time in 2 years to seek an end to their air conflicts. 1953, IBM unveiled the IBM 701 Electronic Data Processing Machine. It was IBM's first commercially available scientific computer. 1957, The last of New York City's electric trolleys completed its final run from Queens to Manhattan. 1963, Yugoslavia proclaimed itself a Socialist republic. 1963, Josip Broz Tito was proclaimed to be the leader of Yugoslavia for life. 1966, The U.S. recovered a hydrogen bomb it had lost off the coast of Spain. 1967, Israel reported that they had shot down six Syrian MIGs. 1969, The U.S. Supreme Court unanimously struck down laws prohibiting private possession of obscene material. 1970, John Wayne won his first and only Oscar for his role in "True Grit." He had been in over 200 films. 1971, U.S. President Nixon pledged to withdraw 100,000 more men from Vietnam by December. 1980, The U.S. broke diplomatic relations with Iran and imposed economic sanctions in response to the taking of hostages on November 4, 1979. 1983, Specialist Story Musgrave and Don Peterson made the first Space Shuttle spacewalk. 1983, The Chinese government canceled all remaining sports and cultural exchanges with the U.S. for 1983. 1985, In Goteborg, Sweden, China swept all of the world table tennis titles except for men's doubles. 1985, In Sudan, Gen. Swar el-Dahab took over the Presidency while President Gaafar el-Nimeiry was visiting the U.S. and Egypt. 1985, The Soviet Union announced a unilateral freeze on medium-range nuclear missiles. 1987, In Oklahoma a 16-month-old baby was killed by a pit bull. On the same day a 67-year-old man was killed by another pit bull in Dayton, OH. 1988, Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev agreed to final terms of a Soviet withdrawal from Afghanistan. Soviet troops began leaving on May 16, 1988. 1988, In Fort Smith, AR, 13 white supremacists were acquitted on charges for plotting to overthrow the U.S. federal government. 1989, A Soviet submarine carrying nuclear weapons sank in the Norwegian Sea. 1990, In the U.S., John Poindexter was found guilty of five counts at his Iran-Contra trial. The convictions were later reversed on appeal. 1994, Civil war erupted in Rwanda between the Patriotic Front rebel group and government soldiers. Hundreds of thousands were slaughtered in the months that followed. 1998, Mary Bono, the widow of Sonny Bono, won a special election to serve out the remainder of her husband's congressional term. 1999, Yugoslav authorities sealed off Kosovo's main border crossings to prevent ethnic Albanians from leaving. 2000, U.S. President Clinton signed the Senior Citizens Freedom to Work Act of 2000. The bill reversed a Depression-era law and allows senior citizens to earn money without losing Social Security retirement benefits. 2002, The Roman Catholic archdiocese announced that six priests from the Archdiocese of New York were suspended over allegations of sexual misconduct. 2006, The Boeing X-37 conducted its first flight as a test drop at Edwards Air Force Base, CA. 2009, Former Peruvian President Alberto Fujimori was sentenced to 25 years in prison for ordering killings and kidnappings by security forces. 2022 Do smiled. |
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