Good Morning, Do, Today is Saturday, April 21 Smallblessings.com is for sale: $100 You can use it for anything you want. Offer expires on 4/22/2018 Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Illinois nurse paid to have Doctor's Wife killed Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, April 21 in 753 BC Today is the traditional date of the foundation of Rome. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ The reason why so few good books are written is that so few people who can write know anything. --- Walter Bagehot (1826 - 1877) There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it? --- Kin Hubbard (1868 - 1930) If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. --- Hackers Anonymous _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" "Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 >years?'" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today. _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ To celebrate its 28th anniversary in space, the Hubble Space Telescope took this image of the Lagoon Nebula. The nebula, about 4,000 light- years away, is 55 light-years wide and 20 light-years tall. This image shows only a small part of this turbulent star-formation region, about 4 light-years across. The observations were taken by Hubble's Wide Field Camera 3 between Feb. 12 and Feb 18, 2018. _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ Thanks to Dave for this story: Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room ' s only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene. One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man could not hear the band - he could see it in his mind' s eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words. Days, weeks and months passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed. It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you." _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Tina Jones, 31, Woodridge, Illinois Illinois nurse paid to have Doctor's Wife killed An Illinois nurse hired a dark web company to kill the wife of a male doctor with whom she had an affair, police say. Woodridge police say that last Thursday, the CBS show 48 Hours reached out to them to say an area woman was allegedly involved in a murder-for-hire plot; the show had been investigating contract killing via the dark web, reports the Chicago Daily Herald. Authorities acting on that tip now allege 31- year-old Tina Jones of Des Plaines had in January paid more than $10,000 in Bitcoin to the Cosa Nostra International Network. Though they suspect that outfit scammed her, per the Chicago Tribune, police say Jones' goal was the murder of a clinical social worker from Woodridge, the wife of an anesthesiologist who completed his residency at a Maywood hospital where Jones works as a registered nurse. Jones' exact relationship with the doctor isn't clear, but ABC7 reports she had been "jilted" by him. Even so, "she left instructions not to hurt the husband and also to make it look like it was an accident," DuPage County State's Attorney Robert Berlin says of the alleged plot. "She left specific instructions on the website as to when the woman's husband would be at work, so they would know when this woman would be alone." After submitting to an interview with Woodbridge police, Jones was arrested Tuesday on a charge solicitation of murder for hire, which carries a minimum sentence of 20 years in prison. Bail was set at $250,000 on Wednesday. Jones, who's also been suspended from her job pending an investigation, is due to be arraigned on May 15. Tech Support Pits From: George Re: Stripmail Dear Webby, Do you have the URL that I can use to download 'Stripmail'? Thanks - George Dear George Just go to my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools Scroll down a bit till you see the stop sign with the AOL flag (>>>) on it. Have FUN DearWebby Thanks to Kati for this report: New Sign in Bank Lobby Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender. MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. ********************************************** FEMALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up required distance to align car window with machine 3. Set parking brake, put window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with PIN written on inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into appropriate slot. 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Parking Brake. Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. A young man was talking to a girl that he had just met, and asked her name. "I don't want to tell you," she said, "I'm named after both of my parents, and it's kind of embarrassing." "Well, what could be so bad about that?" the young man asked. "My mother's name is Eliza, and my father's name is Ferdinand." the girl answered. "Well, those are nice names" the guy replied. "They would be if they wouldn't have named me FerdEliza!" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
A young man had completed medical school. He went back home to the small town to work with his father. They went out the first day to make house calls. As they went in the first house the father said now you watch me so you will know what to do. Inside, a woman was in the bed and she looked terrible. The old doctor checked her out. He was making notes when he dropped his pen to the floor. He picked it up and told the woman she need to quit cleaning and working so hard in her house, she just needed rest. When they got outside, the son asked how he knew that she was cleaning too much. The old doctor said that when he dropped his pen, the floor was so clean that there wasn't a speck of dust anywhere. When they arrived at the next house, the father told his son that it was his turn to examine the patient. At this house too, the woman was in bed, looking terrible. The young doctor took her blood pressure and pulse, asked a few questions, and made some notes. Then he dropped his pen and reached down to pick it up. He told the woman that she was doing too much church work, and needed to cut down on what she did. When the two doctors went outside, the old doctor asked the young one how he knew that she was doing too much church work. The young one said, "Well, when I bent down to pick up my pen, I saw the preacher under the bed." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Sanding in Hard to Reach Places An emery board works well for sanding tough to reach places on furniture. You can make something similar to an emery board by gluing sanding paper to a tongue depressor. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What must hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion? | Unidentified Museum Objects, Vol. III. Think you can identify any of these objects? I couldn't! |
___________________________________________________ Interview Phrases Translation Phrase: I'm extremely adept at all manners of office organization. Meaning: I've used Microsoft Works. Phrase: I'm honest, hard-working and dependable. Meaning: I pilfer office supplies. Phrase: I take pride in my work. Meaning: I blame others for any mistakes. Phrase: I am very cooperative. Meaning: I don't have headaches. Phrase: I'm personable. Meaning: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. Phrase: I am very adaptable. Meaning: I've changed jobs a lot. Phrase: I am on the go. Meaning: I'm never at my desk. Phrase: I'm highly motivated to succeed. Meaning: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here. ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, April 21 in 753 BC Today is the traditional date of the foundation of Rome. 43 BC Marcus Antonius was defeated by Octavian near Modena, Italy. 1526 Mongol Emperor Babur annihilated the Indian Army of Ibrahim Lodi. 1649 The Maryland Toleration Act was passed, allowing all freedom of worship. 1689 William III and Mary II were crowned joint king and queen of England, Scotland and Ireland. 1789 John Adams was sworn in as the first U.S. Vice President. 1836 General Sam Houston defeated Santa Anna at the Battle of San Jacinto. This battle decided the independence of Texas. 1856 The Mississippi River was crossed by a rail train for the first time (between Davenport, IA, and Rock Island, IL). 1862 The U.S. Congress established the U.S. Mint in Denver, CO. 1892 The first Buffalo was born in Golden Gate Park. 1895 Woodville Latham and his sons demonstrated their Panopticon. It was the first movie projector developed in the United States. 1898 The Spanish-American War began. 1914 U.S. Marines occupied Vera Cruz, Mexico. The troops stayed for six months. 1916 Bill Carlisle, the infamous 'last train robber,' robbed a train in Hanna, WY. 1918 German fighter ace Manfred von Richthofen, "The Red Baron," was shot down and killed during World War I. 1943 U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt announced that several Doolittle pilots had been executed by the Japanese for bombing Tokyo. 1959 Alf Dean caught a 16-foot, 10-inch white shark that weighed 2,664 pounds. At the time it was the largest catch with a rod and reel. 1960 Brasilia became the capital of Brazil. 1961 The French army revolted in Algeria. 1967 Svetlana Alliluyeva (Svetlana Stalina) defected in New York City. She was the daughter of Joseph Stalin. 1967 In Athens, Army colonels took over the government and installed Constantine Kollias as premier. 1972 Apollo 16 astronauts John Young and Charles Duke explored the surface of the moon. 1975 South Vietnam president, Nguyen Van Thieu, resigned, condemning the United States. 1984 In France, it was announced that doctors had found virus believed to cause AIDS. 1985 Manuel Ortega proposed a cease-fire for Nicaragua. 1986 Geraldo Rivera opened a vault that belonged to Al Capone at the Lexington Hotel in Chicago. Nothing of interest was found inside. 1989 The Game Boy handheld video game device was released in Japan. 1992 Robert Alton Harris became the first person executed by the state of California in 25 years. He was put to death for the 1978 murder of two teen-age boys. 1994 Jackie Parker became the first woman to qualify to fly an F-16 combat plane. 1998 Astronomers announced in Washington that they had discovered possible signs of a new family of planets orbiting a star 220 light- years away. 2000 In Sinking Spring, PA, a man chased his estranged girlfriend through town and then forced her car into the path of an oncoming train. The woman and her 3 passengers were killed. 2000 North Carolina researchers announced that the heart of a 66 million-year-old dinosaur was more like a mammal or bird than that of a reptile. 2000 The 1998 Children's Online Privacy Protection Act went into effect. 2002 In the city of General Santos, 14 people were killed and 69 were injured in a bomb attack on a department store. The attack was blamed on Muslim extremists. 2003 North and South Korea agreed to hold Cabinet-level talks the following week. 2009 UNESCO launched The World Digital Library. The World Digital Library (WDL) is an international digital library operated by UNESCO and the United States Library of Congress. 2018 Do smiled. |
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