Good Morning, Do!  Today is Saturday, July 29 
 
 ____________________________________________________ History: today, July 29 in 1997, Minamata Bay in Japan was declared free of mercury 40 years after contaminated food fish were blamed for deaths and birth defects. ___________________________________________________ Bonehead  Boca Raton Man Arrested For Kidnapping Pregnant Girlfriend  ___________________________________________________ Q Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. --- John Wilmot Good taste is the worst vice ever invented. --- Edith Sitwell (1887 - 1964) __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ There was a young maid from Madras Who had a magnificent ass: Not pretty and pink -- As you'd probably think -- T'was gray with long ears, and ate grass. ___________________________________________________ A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. "Do you watch much television here?" "Only the daytime shows," the inmate said. "At night we're locked in our cells and don't see any television." "That's too bad," the reporter said, "But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime." "What do you mean, nice?" the inmate said. "That's part of the punishment." ___________________________________________________ A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no, he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if hubby lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door and there sits their police car, lights still flashing. True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting. ___________________________________________________   Skunk, Calgary ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers? ____________________________________________________ Put a sign on the copier that says, "Voice Activated! Speak loudly into the panel." ----------- That is even better than what I do: Every time I buy a new keyboard, I use a spoon and pry off the silly CAPS LOCK key. Then I go and epoxy it onto the big coin operated copier at Walmart or Staples. ____________________________________________________   Cardinals ___________________________________________________ A famous football coach was on vacation with his family in Maine. When they walked into a movie theater and sat down, the handful of people there applauded. He thought to himself, "I can't believe it. People recognize me all the way up here." Then a man came over to him and said, "Thanks for coming. They won't start the movie unless we have ten paying people or more." __________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits FROM: Janice RE: Thesaurus Dear Webby It's me again. Since I am unfamiliar with wires and stuff besides it's hard getting to it as it is behind massive mounds of paraphernalia, I have not gotten sound fixed yet. But I am thinking about it. (Maybe a shovel would help?) However, I was checking some of your links, and the following link to the Thesaurus doesn't seem to want to work. Any ideas? Let's face it, I am totally lost if I don't get your Humor letter every morning. The two days that the internet wasn't up to speed, I searched and searched hoping to find your humor letter was just lost in my labyrinth of a computer. I missed two issues! Janice  Dear Janice The Thesaurus site did not receive enough donations and she went to work as a greeter at Walmart. I can certainly understand that. I used to get a few bucks on my birthday. This year, not a penny. I found a new Thesausrus link: https://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus I am sorry you missed two Humor Letters when the net was down. There will be a few more. Have FUN! DearWebby ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ GOVERNMENT PIPE SPECIFICATIONS 1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole. 2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe. 3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D.(outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside. 4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date. 5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site. 6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe. 7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe. 8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe. 9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle. 10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way. 11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way. 12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other. ____________________________________________ A teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." ________________________________________________ A Bonehead award has been reported by Rock  Nicholas Lewis, 27, Boca Raton, Florida, USA  Boca Raton Man Arrested For Kidnapping Pregnant Girlfriend  Nicholas Lewis of Boca Raton was arrested after Police say he held his pregnant girlfriend against her will at knifepoint. Officers from the Boca Raton Police Department responded to a call at the 101 Via Mizner apartments after a neighbor reported hearing a woman screaming stop, stop for hours early in the morning on Sunday, June 4th, 2023. Officers responded to the apartment complex just after 2 AM when they could hear the woman screaming help, help!. Officers say that the woman then opened the door and fled from the apartment, telling them what happened. The woman identified 27-year-old Nicholas Lewis as her 8-month boyfriend. She said she was staying at his apartment when he started playing with knives in the kitchen, cutting himself. The woman said she told Lewis to stop several times but he would get upset. Later, Lewis positioned himself between her and the front door, saying If you try to leave you know what Im going to do, pointing the knife at her chest. The woman added that Lewis kept possession of her phone all night, saying he doesnt like how much she uses it. When officers arrived, she ran out of the apartment and told them what has been happening. Officers spoke to the original caller who said they heard the girl saying ow and stop many times over a two-hour period between midnight and 2 AM. Officers say that Lewis was uncooperative and changed his story several times. Lewis was ultimately arrested and charged with false imprisonment (kidnapping) and aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. ___________________________________________________ How childproof is your house ? Dutch armored personell carriers are not childproof and apparently can be destroyed instantly if a kid uses a fire extinguisher against them. Makes me wonder what good their fire extinguisher is, if it does that much more damage to a $115,000 engine than an engine fire would do. Smart people put out engine fires safely with a bucket of sand or the sand from the bag that you have in the trunk for extra winter traction. ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Fathers Day morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early on Fathers Day morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the links. The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says " Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I patted my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and she said, 'Take your sweater, looks like it might be windy out there'." ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Mike: Why don't you play golf with Bob any more? Joe: Would you play with someone who curses after each shot, cheats in the bunkers and enters false scores on his card? Mike: No! Joe: Neither will Bob. ___________________________________________________ Did you know there is a support group for people who talk too much? It is called "On and On Anon". __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the humor letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work, please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! __________________________________________________ History Today July 29, in 1588, The English defeated the Spanish Armada in the Battle of Gravelines. 1754, The first international boxing match was held. The 25- minute match was won when Jack Slack of Britain knocked out Jean Petit from France. 1773, The first schoolhouse to be located west of the Allegheny Mountains was built in Schoenbrunn, OH. 1786, "The Pittsburgh Gazette" became the first newspaper west of the Alleghenies to be published. The paper's name was later changed to "The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette." 1874, Major Walter Copton Winfield of England received U.S. patent for the lawn-tennis court. 1914, The first transcontinental telephone service was inaugurated when two people held a conversation between New York, NY and San Francisco, CA. 1940, John Sigmund of St. Louis, MO, completed a 292-mile swim down the Mississippi River. The swim from St. Louis to Caruthersville, MO took him 89 hours and 48 minutes. 1950, Disney's adaptation of Robert Louis Stevenson's "Treasure Island" was released. 1957, The International Atomic Energy Agency was established. 1958, The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) was authorized by the U.S. Congress. 1968, Pope Paul VI reaffirmed the Roman Catholic Church's stance against artificial methods of birth control. 1975, OAS (Organization of American States) members voted to lift collective sanctions against Cuba. The U.S. government welcomed the action and announced its intention to open serious discussions with Cuba on normalization. 1981, England's Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer were married. 1985, General Motors announced that Spring Hill, TN, would be the home of the Saturn automobile assembly plant. 1993, The Israeli Supreme Court acquitted retired Ohio autoworker John Demjanjuk of being Nazi death camp guard "Ivan the Terrible." His death sentence was thrown out and he was set free. 1997, Minamata Bay in Japan was declared free of mercury 40 years after contaminated food fish were blamed for deaths and birth defects. 1998, The United Auto Workers union ended a 54-day strike against General Motors. The strike caused $2.8 billion in lost revenues. 2005, Astronomers announced that they had discovered a new planet (Xena) larger than Pluto in orbit around the sun. 2023, Do smiled. 

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