Good Morning, Do, Today is Wednesday, November 9 Thank you, Arlene! Looks like my prediction, that the people would vote not for or against a candidate, but against the media, just like in the Gore / Bush fight, came true again. Dj vu all over again. Have FUN! DearWebby Todays Bonehead Award: Minnesota Woman On Meth Steals Squad Car After Arrest; 120 mph High-Speed Chase Follows Details at Boneheads ______________________________________________________ Today, November 9, in 1872 A fire destroyed about 800 buildings in Boston, MA. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Men who are unhappy, like men who sleep badly, are always proud of the fact. --- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970) You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. --- Woody Allen (1935 - ) My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world. --- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ The Old Gas Station The service station trade was slow. The owner sat around, With sharpened knife and cedar stick Piled shavings on the ground. No modern facilities had they, The log across the rill Led to a shack, marked His and Hers That sat against the hill. "Where is the ladies restroom, sir?" The owner leaning back, Said not a word but whittled on, And nodded toward the shack. With quickened step she entered there But only stayed a minute Until she screamed, just like a snake Or spider might be in it. With startled look and beet red face She bounded through the door, And headed quickly for the car -- Just like three gals before. She missed the foot log -- jumped the stream, The owner gave a shout, As her pantyhose, down at her knees Caught on a sassafras sprout. She tripped and fell -- got up, and then in obvious disgust, Ran to the car, stepped on the gas, And faded in the dust. Of course we all desired to know What made the gals all do The things they did, and then we found The whittling owner knew. A speaking system he'd devised To make the thing complete, He tied a speaker on the wall Beneath the toilet seat. He'd wait until the gals got set, And then the devilish guy Would stop his whittling long enough To speak into the mike. And as she sat, a voice below Struck terror, fright and fear, "Will you please use the other hole? We're painting under here." ______________________________________________________ An out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife. The next morning, the manager asked the beginner how he did. "Well," the man said, "I did what you said, and after I finished, I asked my wife if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said, 'Yes.' Then I asked her, 'Why?' and she said, 'Because I love you'." ______________________________________________________ Wisconsin ______________________________________________________ If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! ______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jennifer Hillard 35, Alexandria, Minnesota Minnesota Woman On Meth Steals Squad Car After Arrest; 120 mph High-Speed Chase Follows A 35-year-old Alexandria woman is in jail after she allegedly stole a squad car and led police on a high-speed chase Sunday evening. Alexandria police say officers and fire crews were dispatched at 6:41 p.m. Sunday to a fire alarm with visible smoke at an apartment on the 500 block of Broadway Street. Upon arrival, officers saw a small fire burning on the living room floor and quickly put out the fire using an extinguisher. There initially didnt appear to be anyone inside the residence, but officers discovered the tenant, identified as Jennifer Hillard, entered through the ceiling tiles and was hiding inside the ceiling. Police say Hillard then fell through the ceiling tiles and into an adjoining laundry room. She was found with a methamphetamine pipe and lighter in her possession. She was then placed under arrest, handcuffed with her hands behind her back, and placed in the back seat of a squad car. As authorities continued to deal with the scene, Hillard managed to free one of her hands from the handcuffs and squeezed her way through the back sliding window that may have not been secured, gaining access to the front section of the squad car. She then drove off with the Alexandria squad car. A short time later, an officer with Osakis police intercepted Hillard as she was entering Osakis and began to pursue. Before and during the pursuit, Hillard reached speeds of over 120 mph. The pursuit ended on Beltline Road near Sauk Centre when a Minnesota State Trooper deployed stop sticks. Hillard is in custody at the Dakota County Jail pending a court appearance for charges of arson, theft of a motor vehicle, fleeing a peace officer, driving while impaired, possessing a controlled substance, reckless driving and speeding. Police say there were no injuries and damage to property, with the exception of the Alexandria squad car. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits >From Friz Re: Tripod substitute Dear Webby, I forgot my tripod at home, but I have to as usual make all the pictures at the family gathering. What's a quick and cheap fix? I absolutely need something to help me beacuse I know I am too jittery to take candle light shots by hand without the ugly flash. I do have a remote release. Friz Dear Friz No Panic. Just get a sturdy zip-lock plastic bag, fill it two thirds full with sugar or salt or flour. Place the camera onto the bag. Wiggle it a bit so it sits well. You can put that bag onto any piece of furniture, or even onto a stepladder. The camera will be rock-solid and the pictures even sharper than when you use your tripod. If there is a drinker in the family, then the chances a re good that you can locate one fo those pretty Crown Royal bottle bags. That makes a really classy camera pedestal. Have FUN! DearWebby In Northern Minnesota, the game warden stopped a man leaving a lake with two buckets of fish. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man said, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" the warden queried. "Yes, sir," the man explained. "Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. Then I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home." The game warden glared at the man and said, "That's impossible. Fish can't do that!" The man looked at the game warden for a moment and said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works." The man poured the fish into the lake and waited. After several minutes, the game warden looked at the man and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" the man asked. "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The FISH!" And the man said, "What fish?" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reuse Coffee Creamer Containers for Storage I dislike grocery shopping, particularly in the wintertime. I get a head start during the summer. I watch for sales on staples. The more I buy now, the less I'll have to lug home in the sleet and snow. I mix my own laundry concoction, and really like it. I use of a popular laundry detergent and of a non chlorine fabric whitener/brightener. Often these powders are lumpy when I first buy them, and even lumpier after being on the shelf for a while. I measure equal amounts of these two into a plastic bucket, stir for a second, and then funnel the lot into clean and dried coffee creamer containers. I keep these filled containers in the laundry room, and at the kitchen sink, where I wash my dish towels in scalding water. (Tip within a tip: I don't use fabric softener on my dish towels. It tends to leave a film on glassware). The lumps do not reform in these plastic containers. I can dispense a little through the pour spout or remove the lid to measure a cup or so. This idea may not be practical for large families, but for a small crew, it should work well. Also, I stock up on wild bird seed. I transfer the contents of a 10 lb. bag of seed into these containers. When refilling my several feeders, it's much easier dispensing from these containers, rather than a 10 lb. bag. With a home made inner seal of foil, the seed will stay fresh and bug free. Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
Have you ever noticed that good jokes always come back to you ? This one came back via Kristine: While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1957." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?" ____________________________________________________ So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for: There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off! ____________________________________________________ While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them. The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them. "This is our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few bars and always looking for the key." ____________________________________________________ | | My favorite time of the year. |
____________________________________________________ | Today on November 9 1872 A fire destroyed about 800 buildings in Boston, MA. 1906 U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt left for Panama to see the progress on the new canal. It was the first foreign trip by a U.S. president. 1911 George Claude of Paris, France, applied for a patent on neon advertising signs. 1918 Germany's Kaiser Wilhelm II announced he would abdicate. He then fled to the Netherlands. 1923 In Munich, the Beer Hall Putsch was crushed by German troops that were loyal to the democratic government. The event began the evening before when Adolf Hitler took control of a beer hall full of Bavarian government leaders at gunpoint. 1935 United Mine Workers president John L. Lewis and other labor leaders formed the Committee for Industrial Organization. 1938 Nazi troops and sympathizers destroyed and looted 7,500 Jewish businesses, burned 267 synagogues, killed 91 Jews, and rounded up over 25,000 Jewish men in an event that became known as Kristallnacht or "Night of Broken Glass." 1961 Major Robert White flew an X-15 rocket plane at a world record speed of 4,093 mph. 1961 The Professional Golfer's Association (PGA) eliminated its "caucasians only" rule. 1963 In Japan, about 450 miners were killed in a coal-dust explosion. 1963 In Japan, 160 people died in a train crash. 1965 The great Northeast blackout occurred as several states and parts of Canada were hit by a series of power failures lasting up to 13 1/2 hours. 1967 A Saturn V rocket carrying an unmanned Apollo spacecraft blasted off from Cape Kennedy on a successful test flight. 1976 The U.N. General Assembly approved ten resolutions condemning the apartheid government in South Africa. 1979 The United Nations Security Council unanimously called upon Iran to release all American hostages "without delay." Militants, mostly students had taken 63 Americans hostage at the U.S. embassy in Tehran, Iran, on November 4. 1981 U.S. troops began arriving in Egypt for a three-week Rapid Deployment Force excercise. Somalia, Sudan and Oman were also involved in the operation. 1981 The Internation Monetary Fund approved a $5.8 billion loan to India. It was the highest loan to date. 1982 Sugar Ray Leonard retired from boxing. In 1984 Leonard came out of retirement to fight one more time before becoming a boxing commentator for NBC. 1984 A bronze statue titled "Three Servicemen," by Frederick Hart, was unveiled at the site of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington, DC. 1989 Communist East Germany opened its borders, allowing its citizens to travel freely to West Germany. 1990 Soviet President Mikhail S. Gorbachev signed a non- aggression treaty with Germany. 1992 Russian President Boris Yeltsin, visiting London, appealed for assistance in rescheduling his country's debt, and asked British businesses to invest. 1998 A federal judge in New York approved the richest antitrust settlement in U.S. history. A leading brokerage firm was ordered to pay $1.03 billion to investors who had sued over price-rigging of Nasdaq stocks. 1998 PBS aired its documentary special "Chihuly Over Venice." 2004 U.S. First Lady Laura Bush officially reopened Pennsylvania Avenue in front of the White House to pedestrians. 2016 Do smiled. |
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