Good Morning, Do! Today is Friday, July 15 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! ___________________________________________________ History on this day, July 15, in 1926, The first underwater color photographs appeared in "National Geographic" magazine. The pictures had been taken near the Florida Keys. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Westgate shooter sentenced to 44 years for 2020 shooting __________________________________________________ The petty economies of the rich are just as amazing as the silly extravagances of the poor. --- William Feather (1908 - 1976) The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things. --- Jilly Cooper _________________________________________________ Tombstones RIP Good Friend Gordon now you've crossed the River Jordan HERE LIES my wife, I bid her goodbye. She rests in peace and now so do I. Here lies HENRY BLAKE He stepped on the gas Instead of the brake HERE LIES the Pillsbury Dough Boy He will rise again RIP Barry M. Deep RIP Ted N. Buried REST IN PEACE COUSIN HUET we all know you didn't do it HERE LIES JOHN YEAST Pardon me for not rising HERE LIES GOOD OLD FRED a great big rock fell on his head HERE LIES LESTER MORE Four slugs From a forty-four No Les no more Dear Departed BROTHER DAVE he chased a bear into a cave __________________________________________________ Sad news about beer. You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Yesterday, scientists in England suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men: a.. Gained weight b.. Talked excessively without making sense c.. Became overly emotional d.. Couldn't drive e.. Failed to think rationally f.. Argued over nothing g.. Had to sit down while urinating h.. Showed no interest in sex i.. Refused to apologize when wrong No further testing is planned. __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Armando Hernandez Jr., 22, GLENDALE, Arizona, USA Westgate shooter sentenced to 44 years for 2020 shooting The man who opened fire at Glendale's Westgate Entertainment District in 2020 has been sentenced. In a Maricopa County courtroom Friday, Armando Hernandez Jr. was sentenced to 44 years in prison and 7 additional years of probation, the maximum sentence allowed with his plea deal. Back in May of 2020, three people were rushed to a hospital after a gunman started shooting into a crowded area. All three survived their injuries. The suspect was quickly identified by police as Hernandez Jr., who was 20 years old at the time. 2020 shooting A man has been sentenced to 44 years in prison for a 2020 Westgate shooting that left three people seriously injured. Armando Hernandez Jr. sentenced for Westgate mass shootingShooting at Westgate The man who opened fire at Glendale's Westgate Entertainment District in 2020 has been sentenced. In a Maricopa County courtroom Friday, Armando Hernandez Jr. was sentenced to 44 years in prison and 7 additional years of probation, the maximum sentence allowed with his plea deal. Back in May of 2020, three people were rushed to a hospital after a gunman started shooting into a crowded area. All three survived their injuries. According to police, Hernandez arrived at Westgate, and first surveyed the area before going back to his vehicle, drinking alcohol and retrieving his assault rifle. He could then be seen on video from the scene walking through the center firing shots. "Those at Westgate on May 20 not only feared for their lives but three people received serious injuries. A maximum sentence for these crimes is justice. We are fortunate that the victims in this case survived and now a dangerous individual has been removed from our community," said Interim County Attorney Rachel Mitchell. __________________________________________________ A cantor brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000." There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?" ______________________________________________________ 1.Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda 2.Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce 3.Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet 4.Dear God, If we come back as somebody else, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton- because I hate her. Denise 5.Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (I am not going to tell you who I am). 6.God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison 7.Dear God, How did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene 8.Dear God, Is it true my Father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita 9.Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nan 10.Dear God, Did you really mean, Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You? If you did then I'm going to get even with my brother. Darla 11.Dear God, I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn 12.Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis 13.Dear God, Do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nan 14.Dear God, It's O.K. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes? Arnold 15.Dear God, Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma 16.Dear God, In bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer 17.Dear God, What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything you wanted. Jane 18.Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Seymour 19.Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter 20.Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry 21.Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark 22.Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways before I cross the street. Dean 23.Dear God, My brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say? Marsha ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Laszlo RE: 8 Gadget Pack for W10 Dear Webby I might have a "more cheerful" answer to today's analog clock problem. I am using W10, I am not so resentful of it as you are, I missed it too, so I downloaded 8gadget pack for W10 and the analog clock is one of their gadgets. https://8gadgetpack.net/ Luckily, it has been working fine for a few months now, it decorates the top right hand corner of my screen. You might like to let Herb know. Thank you for all the humour you send us daily! All the best, Laszlo from Budapest Dear Laszlo WOW! I am VERY impressed! Thank you very much! The installation took a while, because W10 is so slow, but when the installation was done, the analog clock was on the top right, and a handy side bar was installed. I will most definitely recommend that 8gadgetpack! Thank you very much! By now it has grown to many more than 8 Gadgets included The following gadgets are installed automatically with 8GadgetPack: 7 Sidebar - Helmut Buhler Agenda - Ronnie All CPU Meter - AddGadgets.com App Launcher - Dean Laforet Breathe - danvdragos Calendar - Microsoft Clipboarder - Helmut Buhler Chameleon Weather - gersma Clock - Microsoft Currency - Microsoft Control System - AddGadgets.com Countdown - Alexander Burton CPU Meter - Microsoft CPU Utilization - Jonathan Abbott Custom Calendar - Home Cooked Gadgets Date Time - Chia-Wei Chang Date & Time - buildagadget.com Desktop Calculator - Home Cooked Gadgets Desktop Feed Reader - Cristian Patrasciuc Digiclock - gersma Digitalclock - schnawel007 DriveInfo - Kris Thompson Drive Activity - Sascha Katzner Drives Monitor - Igor M. Bushin Drives Meter - AddGadgets.com Feed Headlines - Microsoft FlipClock - Ciro Ippolito Glass Calendar - gersma, modded by digitalmaxx Glassy CPU Monitor - Helmut Buhler Glassy Network Monitor - Helmut Buhler GPU Meter - AddGadgets.com HUD Time - Factor Mystic iBattery - Vitim Launch Control - Kinesys Ltd MiniRadio - Ronnie Mousometer - Sven Bader MSN Weather - Microsoft Multi Meter - SFkilla My Weather - Pat Possible Network Meter - AddGadgets.com Network Monitor II - Igor M. Bushin Network Utilization - Jonathan Abbott Piano - Photo-Bon.com Picture Puzzle - Microsoft Pomodoro - danvdragos POP3 Mail Checker - Thomas Pleasance Power Status - Orbmu2k Recycle Bin - Eiskalter Engel Reminder (Denk-Daran) - dahi24 Remove Drive Safely - Plamen Todorov searchALL Gadget - Jayden Howard ShutdownRestart - Midnight Mick Slide Show - Microsoft Sticky Notes - Microsoft System Monitor II - Igor M. Bushin Top Five - Orbmu2k Top Process Monitor - Igor M. Bushin Turn off PC - Carlos A. Prial Condori Unit Converter - GadgetWE Volume Control - Orbmu2k WeatherCenter - hadj ?????????? - 66turn Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________ While waiting in the reception room for my first appointment with a new dentist, I noticed his diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any thought that he might have been my classmate. This balding, gray- haired man with the deeply lined face was much too old to have gone to school with me. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "1957." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?" Now HE needs new teef. ____________________________________________ Fairy GodMother After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them." Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged. The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again." The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed. __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ WOULD THAT GET ME IN? "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class. "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!" _____________________________________________________ The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things. --- Jilly Cooper _____________________________________________________ Two men were boasting to each other about their old Army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click." "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle." "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals." ___________________________________________________ "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews: (P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire (P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft (P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage (P) Something loose in cockpit (S) Something tightened in cockpit (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear (S) Evidence removed (P) DME volume unbelievably loud (S) Volume set to more believable level (P) Dead bugs on windshield (S) Live bugs on order (P) Autopilot in Altitude Hold Mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground (P) IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick (S) That's what they're there for (P) Number three engine missing (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search (P) Aircraft handles funny (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious (P) Target Radar hums (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics _________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Rhonda RE: Videos on W10 Dear Webby I KNOW that W10 is a klutzy nuisance compared to XP or W7, and almost everything needs something extra to get it to work. Right now I am cussing at Gmail not playing movies in mail without downloading them first. Why can't it do it automatically, like in W7 ? Klutzy Nuisance! Then it wnts to sucker me into downloading a driver search program, that is actually a PUP and Trojan. They can stuff that where the sun don't shine! How do YOU get around that nuissance? Rhonda Dear Rhonda I agree that phony drver search is a PUP and a nuissance. MalwareBytes even blocks it. You do NOT need that crap. If a gadget or program or device needs a driver, it will call for it and download it. Most drivers work OK on the first try. Exceptions are mice. W10 has problems with Logitech 5 button mice and cant paste, because it insists on mis-identyfying it as a Microsoft mouse. Other than that it does OK with required drivers. For videos in email, you just have to cuss and download it. THEN you are allowed to view it. Like a lot in W10, you have to cuss a bit. Who knows, maybe a reader has a way around that. Let's hope and pray. Have FUN! DearWebby ________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ From: "The Gingerbread Man From Erie" To: humor@webby.com Subject: Vocabulary Test I challenge you NOT to think dirty. All of the answers in this quiz are NOT obscene in any way. Vocabulary Test 1) What is a four-letter word that ends in "k" and means the same as intercourse? 2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of? 3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it? 4) What word starts with "f " and ends with "u-c-k"? 5) Name five words that are each four letters long, end in " u-n-t " one of which is a word for a woman? 6) What does a dog do that you can step into? 7) What four letter word begins with "f " and ends with " k", and if you can't get one you can use your hands? 8) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat? 9) What four-letter word ends in "i-t " and is found on the bottom of bird cages? 10) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? ANSWERS: 1. (talk) 2. (legs) 3. (a twenty dollar bill) 4. (fire truck) 5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt) 6. (pants) 7. (fork) 8. (Almond Joy candy bar) 9. (grit) 10. (last name) I know what you were thinking ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________________ >From Edo While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her. Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was she worth the trouble you're in now?" ___________________________________________________ A college student wrote a letter home, "Dear folks, I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me. Your son, Marvin. P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late." A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, "Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!" _____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ HEADLINES FROM 2035 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia. White minorities are still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops &livestock. Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped. Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million. Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $7.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only. 235 year study: diet and exercise are the key to weight loss. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036. Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 79% ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
| Today, July 16, in 1774, Russia and the Ottoman Empire signed the treaty of Kuchuk-Kainardji, ending their six-year war. 1779, American troops under General Anthony Wayne captured Stony Point, NY. 1790, The District of Columbia, or Washington, DC, was established as the permanent seat of the United States Government. 1791, Louis XVI was suspended from office until he agreed to ratify the constitution. 1845, The New York Yacht Club hosted the first American boating regatta. 1862, David G. Farragut became the first rear admiral in the U.S. Navy. 1875, The new French constitution was finalized. 1912, Bradley A. Fiske patented the airplane torpedo. 1926, The first underwater color photographs appeared in "National Geographic" magazine. The pictures had been taken near the Florida Keys. 1935, Oklahoma City became the first city in the U.S. to install parking meters. 1940, Adolf Hitler ordered the preparations to begin on the invasion of England, known as Operation Sea Lion. 1942, French police officers rounded up 13,000 Jews and held them in the Winter Velodrome. The round-up was part of an agreement between Pierre Laval and the Nazis. Germany had agreed to not deport French Jews if France arrested foreign Jews. 1944, Soviet troops occupied Vilna, Lithuania, in their drive toward Germany. 1945, The United States detonated the first atomic bomb in a test at Alamogordo, NM. 1950, The largest crowd in sporting history was 199,854. They watched Uruguay defeat Brazil in the World Cup soccer finals in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. 1951, J.D. Salinger's novel "The Catcher in the Rye" was first published. 1957, Marine Major John Glenn set a transcontinental speed record when he flew a jet from California to New York in 3 hours, 23 minutes and 8 seconds. 1964, Little League Baseball Incorporated was granted a Federal Charter unanimously by the United States Senate and House of Representatives. 1969, Apollo 11 blasted off from Cape Kennedy, FL, and began the first manned mission to land on the moon. 1979, Saddam Hussein became president of Iraq after forcing Hasan al-Bakr to resign. 1981, After 23 years with the name Datsun, executives of Nissan changed the name of their cars to Nissan. 2009, In Chicago, Sears Tower was renamed Willis Tower. 2011, The NASA space probe Dawn entered Vesta orbit. 2022 Do! smiled. |
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