Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, March 24 ___________________________________________________ Today, March 24 in 2019 U.S. Attorney General William Barr released a four- page summary of Special Counsel Robert Mueller's report in U.S. President Donald Trump's election campaign. The report concluded that there was no evidence of members of the campaign being involved in a criminal conspiracy. ______________________________________________________ Listening, not imitation, may be the sincerest form of flattery. --- Dr. Joyce Brothers (1928 - ) | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Today's Bonehead Award: Felony Rap For Coughing Into Face Of Paramedic __________________________________________ An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died. But until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued. "You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please." The old gal raised her right hand. "Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question. The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?" __________________________________________ __________________________________________ After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry." ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by LaDonald Shakkie Holmes, 38, Lady Lake, Floriduh Felony Rap For Coughing Into Face Of Paramedic A woman arrested for assaulting her boyfriend shouted I have the coronavirus before intentionally coughing in the face of a paramedic who she sprayed with copious amounts of saliva, police charge. Responding early Wednesday to a domestic violence call in Lady Lake, an Orlando suburb, police encountered the bloodied victim. The man, whose nose was broken, told officers that he had been attacked by his girlfriend, LaDonald Shakkie Holmes. The man said he was lying in bed with Holmes, 38, when she told the victim she wanted to have sex, according to a probable cause affidavit. The victim recalled that he declined to engage with Holmes since she is leaving him to get back with her ex-husband. Rebuffed, Holmes became very agitated at which time she round house kicked the victim in the nose and then punched him in the nose, cops allege. That resulted in the victims nose breaking, the victim then started bleeding all over himself and the residence. Pictured above, Holmes is a black belt in martial arts, the affidavit reveals. When officers responded to the residence, Holmes was arrested for battering her boyfriend. As cops tried to get her into a squad car, Holmes kept falling to the ground, prompting them to summon EMS workers since it was unclear whether she "was having a medical episode. As paramedics sought to evaluate Holmes, she became physically combative. After an EMS worker sedated the arrestee, Holmes was being placed on a stretcher when she shouted I have the coronavirus. Holmes then allegedly coughed directly on the face of an EMS worker, which resulted in copious amounts of saliva landing on the paramedics face. Holmes was subsequently transported to a local hospital for further evaluation, though the court filing does not indicate whether she, in fact, has the infectious coronavirus. The affidavit does not reveal what treatment, if any, was afforded the paramedic. Holmes is facing a pair of felony counts--domestic battery and battery on a paramedic. She was released from the county jail late Thursday after posting $7000 bond. Holmes, whose rap sheet includes several prior battery convictions, is scheduled for arraignment on April 13. DeaWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Kira Re: Online conference Dear Webby, Which program do you recommend for online conferencing? I don't need a huge conference with lots of people, Just one at a time, but reasonably secure. Thanks Kira Dear Kira Skype is still the best. It used to be much better, but then Microsoft bought it for $8 Billion bucks to make sure Google would not get it. Then, of course, they trashed it down. It is no longer useful for group chat, but still works OK one on one, most of the time. You can still send pictures, spreadsheets, documents and even video, while you are talking. What improved since the 90's is screen size. You can now stretch your video to full monitor size. Picture quality is not good, but when you video chat with your son or grand kids, you already know what they look like, and just like with TV, your eyes fill in the missing dots. Google and FaceBook also have video chat nowadays, but they are not widely used. With employees or relatives you can easily tell them which program to use. Have FUN! DearWebby
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_____________________________________________ A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf. The other night, as they slept, the golfer yelled, "Fore!" His wife yelled back, "Four and a quarter !" _____________________________________________ A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted. The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flowerbeds, and he had tried everything. His flowerbeds were in a really bad condition. Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flowerbeds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom! So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away... "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard??" He replied, "Well, one night I hid a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that....." ____________________________________________ "Female Keywords And Their Meanings" Part I "Fine": This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. "Five minutes": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. "Nothing": This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine." "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine." "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. :::...... This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing." ...::... Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. "Oh": This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that."... Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them. "That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay," means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. "Please Do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay." "Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome. "Thanks a lot": This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing." I hope this clears up most misunderstandings... ____________________________________________ | No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today March 24 in 1379 The Gelderse war ended. 1545 German Parliament opened in Worms. 1550 France and England signed the Peace of Boulogne. 1629 In Virginia, the first game law was passed in the American colonies. 1664 A charter to colonize Rhode Island was granted to Roger Williams in London. 1720 In Paris, banking houses closed due to financial crisis. 1765 Britain passed the Quartering Act that required the American colonies to house 10,000 British troops in public and private buildings. That did not go over well at all. 1828 The Philadelphia & Columbia Railway was authorized as the first state owned railway. 1832 Mormon Joseph Smith was beaten, tarred and feathered in Ohio. 1837 Canada gave blacks the right to vote 1848 A state of siege was proclaimed in Amsterdam. 1868 Metropolitan Life Insurance Company was formed. 1878 The British frigate Eurydice sank killing 300. 1880 The first "hail insurance company" was incorporated in Connecticut. It was known as Tobacco Growers Mutual Insurance Company. 1882 In Berlin, German scientist Robert Koch announced the discovery of the tuberculosis germ (bacillus). 1883 The first telephone call between New York and Chicago took place. 1900 Mayor Van Wyck of New York broke the ground for the New York subway tunnel that would link Manhattan and Brooklyn. 1900 In New Jersey, the Carnegie Steel Corporation was formed. 1904 Vice Adm. Tojo sank seven Russian ships as the Japanese strengthened their blockade of Port Arthur. 1905 In Crete, a group led by Eleutherios Venizelos claimed independence from Turkey. 1906 In Mexico, the Tehuantepec Istmian Railroad opened as a rival to the Panama Canal. 1906 The "Census of the British Empire" revealed that England ruled 1/5 of the world. 1911 In Denmark, penal code reform abolished corporal punishment. 1920 The first U.S. coast guard air station was established at Morehead City, NC. 1924 Greece became a republic. 1927 Chinese Communists seized Nanking and break with Chiang Kai-shek over the Nationalist goals. 1932 Belle Baker hosted a radio variety show from a moving train. It was the first radio broadcast from a train. 1938 The U.S. asked that all countries help refugees fleeing from the Nazis. 1944 In Rome, The Gestapo rounded up innocent Italians and shot them to death in response to a bomb attack that killed 32 German policemen. Over 300 civilians were executed. 1946 The Soviet Union announced that it was withdrawing its troops from Iran. 1954 Britain opened trade talks with Hungary. 1955 Tennessee Williams' play "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" debuted on Broadway. 1955 The first oil drill seagoing rig was put into service. 1960 A U.S. appeals court ruled that the novel "Lady Chatterlys Lover" was not obscene and could be sent through the mail. 1972 Great Britain imposed direct rule over Northern Ireland. 1976 The president of Argentina, Isabel Peron, was deposed by her country's military. 1980 In San Salvador, Archbishop Oscar Arnulfo Romero was shot to death by gunmen as he celebrated Mass. 1982 Soviet leader Leonid L. Brezhnev stated that Russia was willing to resume border talks with China. 1985 Thousands demonstrated in Madrid against the NATO presence in Spain. 1989 The Exxon Valdez spilled 240,000 barrels (11 million gallons) of oil in Alaska's Prince William Sound after it ran aground. 1989 The U.S. decided to send humanitarian aid to the Contras. 1990 Indian troops left Sri Lanka. 1991 The African nation of Benin held its first presidential elections in about 30 years. 1993 In Israel, Ezer Weizman, an advocate of peace with neighboring Arab nations, was elected President. 1995 Russian forces surrounded Achkoi-Martan. It was one of the few remaining strongholds of rebels in Chechenia. 1997 The Australian parliament overturned the world's first and only euthanasia law. 1998 In Jonesboro, AR, two young boys open fire at students from woods near a school. Four students and a teacher were killed and 10 others were injured. The two boys were 11 and 13 years old cousins. 1998 A former FBI agent said papers found in James Earl Ray's car supports a conspiracy theory in the assassination of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. 1999 In Kenya, at least 31 people were killed when a passenger train derailed. Hundreds were injured. 1999 NATO launched air strikes against Yugoslavia (Serbia, Montenegro, Kosovo and Vojvodina). The attacks marked the first time in its 50-year history that NATO attacked a sovereign country. The bombings were in response to Serbia's refusal to sign a peace treaty with ethnic Albanians who were seeking independence for the province of Kosovo. 1999 The 7-mile tunnel under Mont Blanc in France became an inferno after a truck carrying flour and margarine caught fire. At least 30 people were killed. 2001 Apple Computer Inc's operating system MAC OS X went on sale. 2002 Thieves stole five 17th century paintings from the Frans Hals Museum in the Dutch city of Haarlem. The paintings were worth about $2.6 million. The paintings were works by Jan Steen, Cornelis Bega, Adriaan van Ostade and Cornelis Dusart. 2005 The government of Kyrgyzstan collapsed after opposition protesters took over President Askar Akayev's presidential compound and government offices. 2006 In Spain, the Basque separatist group ETA announced a permanent cease-fire. 2014 It was announced that the U.S. and its allies would exclude Russia from the G8 meeting and boycott a planned summit in Sochi in response to Russia's takeover of Crimea. 2019 U.S. Attorney General William Barr released a four- page summary of Special Counsel Robert Mueller's report in U.S. President Donald Trump's election campaign. The report concluded that there was no evidence of members of the campaign being involved in a criminal conspiracy. 2020 Do smiled. |
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