s
| Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, September 19 ___________________________________________________ History on this day, september 19, in 1982, Scott Fahlman became the first person to use :-) in an online message. ____________________________________________________ international bonehead award TEENS CARJACK, REPEATEDLY SEXUALLY BATTER WOMAN, FORCE HER TO WITHDRAW CASH, STEAL HER CAR. ____________________________________________________ First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from catching the complaint a second time. --- Honore de Balzac (1799 - 1850) The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it. --- William James (1842 - 1910) When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him. --- Thomas Szasz ___________________________________________________ A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." "Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning." ____________________________________________________ The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "There are three doctors there already!" __________________________________________________ reported by rock an international bonehead award has been earned by Corey Jones, 18, Boca Raton, Florida, USA TEENS CARJACK, REPEATEDLY SEXUALLY BATTER WOMAN, FORCE HER TO WITHDRAW CASH, STEAL HER CAR. Two teens are in custody after they allegedly carjacked a woman, repeatedly sexually battered her, then forced her to withdraw money from an ATM. The incidents occurred in Pompano Beach, south of Boca Raton. BSO issued this statement early Saturday morning: Detectives with the Broward Sheriffs Office Special Victims Unit arrested an 18-year-old and a 16-year-old on charges that include sexual battery and kidnapping. According to investigators around 9:30 p.m. on Wednesday, Sept. 14, Corey Jones and a 16-year-old male, committed armed kidnapping and sexual battery on an adult female by carjacking her at gunpoint. Detectives said the two armed males approached the victim as she was returning home and forced her into the backseat of her car. The suspects drove her to an unknown location and sexually battered her multiple times. Then they drove her to a bank ATM and forced her to withdraw money from her account and sexually battered her again. The victim was able to get help when the suspects eventually forced her out of her car and fled in it. Detectives with the Broward Sheriffs Office Special Victims Unit arrested an 18-year-old and a 16-year-old on charges that include sexual battery and kidnapping. According to investigators around 9:30 p.m. on Wednesday, Sept. 14, Corey Jones and a 16-year-old male, committed armed kidnapping and sexual battery on an adult female by carjacking her at gunpoint. Detectives said the two armed males approached the victim as she was returning home and forced her into the backseat of her car. The suspects drove her to an unknown location and sexually battered her multiple times. Then they drove her to a bank ATM and forced her to withdraw money from her account and sexually battered her again. The victim was able to get help when the suspects eventually forced her out of her car and fled in it. On Thursday, Sept. 15, detectives located the victims vehicle in Pompano Beach and observed Jones in the drivers seat. Jones attempted to flee but was swiftly taken into custody. In his attempt to evade deputies Jones dropped two phones; one of the recovered phones belonged to the victim. On Friday, Sept. 16, detectives took the 16-year-old male into custody and transported him to the Juvenile Assessment Center for processing. Both Jones and the 16-year-old confessed to the offenses. They each face felony charges of sexual battery with a weapon, kidnapping an adult, carjacking with a firearm and robbery with a weapon. _____________________________________________________ Judge: "I know you, don't I?" Defendant: "Uh, yes." Judge: "All right, tell me, how do I know you?" Defendant: "Judge, do I have to tell you?" Judge: "Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me." Defendant: "Okay, I was your bookie." _____________________________________________________ Fox attacking rodent under the snow Southern Alberta _____________________________________________________ A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them." "All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board." "Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. "Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco." "A ha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that half-wit!" "You're talkin' to him," said the farmer. _____________________________________________________ @ ___________________________________________________ Men Vs. Women Let's look at a few rather important topics to prove this: NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Pecker and Schmucko. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want some change back. The girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothpaste, toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.; The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.No man will be able to identify most of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. THE FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting she won't change and she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of short people making noise. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Every married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing, is there? LISTENING What a woman says: "C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do laundry now." What a man hears: C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW. _________________________________________________ dearwebby's tech support pits From: Fanny Re: When to switch to Laser printer Dear Webby, I know you answered his before, but I have OldTimers disease and forgot. When should I upgrade to a laser printer? I only print occasionally, but then usually a whole bunch, if the print head has not dried up. Should I buy myself one for Christmas? Fanny Dear Fanny The cost of a print head and batch of ink cartridges is about the same as a laser printer. They have come down in price uite nicely. A laser printer never dries up. It uses a dry powder. You can let it sit for years, and after a 10 second warm-up, it will print as if you had been printing just before. With a laser printer the the cost per page is a LOT less, and considering the fact that you will never have to worry about an unused printhead drying up, a laser printer is an excellet choice. I used a DELL 1320c color laser for about a dozen years, and then replaced it with a Lexmark C 2400 about half a year ago. It surprised me by printing on both sides of the paper! Quite often invoices or payment receipts have a nuisance footer, that doesn't fit and goes onto page 2. Well, the Lexmark nicely prints that nuisance footer onto the back of page 1. I LIKE that! Dear Webby ___________________________________________________ Liz went into her local hardware store and bought two instant barbeques - the ones with the pictures of succulent foods on the lid. The next day, she returned one of these to the customer service desk at the store complaining that there was no food inside! The assistant patiently told her that these were just barbeque trays and that the food was not supplied with them. "Oh dear" she said, "I'd better take the other one out of the freezer then"! _____________________________________________________ A 100 year old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home. A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day. "Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long," as the reporter. "Well, I don't ever drink and I've never smoked," replied the old geezer. "And, I make it a point to stay away from wild women." Just then, there was a loud shriek in the hall. The crew turned to see a nurse run by, followed by an agile looking, older man. The older man carried a foul smelling cigar in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other. As he ran by, he paused for a moment, looked at the crowd and let out a hardy, "He, he, he!" and then continued his pursuit. "What was that all about?" asked the astonished reporter. Replied the old geezer, "Please excuse my father - he gets carried away sometimes!" _____________________________________________ ophelia dingbatter's news no sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt- in confirmation request. ____________________________________________________ today, september 19, in 1356, The Battle of Poitiers was fought between England and France. Edward "the Black Prince" captured France's King John. 1777, The Battle of Saratoga was won by American soldiers during the Revolutionary War. 1796, U.S. President Washington's farewell address was published. 1819, John Keats wrote "Ode to Autumn." 1876, Melville R. Bissell patented the carpet sweeper. 1891, "The Merchant of Venice" was performed for the first time at Manchester. 1893, In New Zealand, the Electoral Act 1893 was consented to giving all women in New Zealand the right to vote. 1942, The first advertisement to announce Little Golden Books appeared in Publishers Weekly. 1955, Eva Marie Saint, Frank Sinatra and Paul Newman starred in the "Producer's Showcase" presentation of "Our Town" on NBC-TV. 1955, Argentina President Juan Peron was ousted after a revolt by the army and navy. 1957, The U.S. conducted its first underground nuclear test. The test took place in the Nevada desert. 1959, Nikita Khruschev was not allowed to visit Disneyland due to security reasons. Khrushchev reacted angrily. 1960, Cuban leader Fidel Castro, in New York to visit the United Nations, checked out of the Shelburne Hotel angrily after a dispute with the management. 1982, Scott Fahlman became the first person to use :-) in an online message. 1983, Lebanese army units defending Souk el-Gharb were supported in their effort by two U.S. Navy ships off Beirut. 1984, China and Britain completed a draft agreement transferring Hong Kong from British to Chinese rule by 1997. 1986, U.S. health officials announced that AZT, though an experimental drug, would be made available to AIDS patients. 1988, Israel successfully launched the Horizon-I test satellite. 1990, Iraq began confiscating foreign assets of countries that were imposing sanctions against the Iraqi government. 1992, The U.N. Security Council recommended suspending Yugoslavia due to its role in the Bosnian civil war. 1994, U.S. troops entered Haiti peacefully to enforce the return of exiled President Jean-Bertrand Aristide. 1995, The U.S. Senate passed a welfare overhaul bill. 1995, The commander of American forces in Japan and the U.S. ambassador apologized for the rape of a schoolgirl committed by three U.S. servicemen. 1996, The government of Guatemala and leftist rebels signed a peace treaty to end their long war. 2002, In Ivory Coast, around 750 rebel soldiers attempted to overthrow the government. U.S. troops landed on September 25th to help move foreigners, including Americans, to safer areas. 2003, It was reported that AOL Time Warner was going to drop "AOL" from its name and be known as Time Warner Inc. The company had announced its merger and name change on January 10, 2000. 2014, The Apple iPhone 6 went on sale. 2022 Do! smiled. |
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Go to TOP
Well, Do , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
Please give a friend a subscription to the Humor Letter
If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name,
or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me.
I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly
from then on.
If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't
have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me.
I will gladly enter them for you and send them a confirmation request.
To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY or write to humor@webby.com
If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time,
then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription.
If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/sub.html
You can also UNsubscribe there.
If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter,
please unsubscribe by clicking the link below:
You are currently subscribed to the Regular HTML version with this address:
newsletter@newslettercollector.com
UNSUBSCRIBE from the regular HTMLversion Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter | . |
