Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, June 12 _____________________________________________________ Today, June 12 in 1812 Napoleon's invasion of Russia began. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Today's Bonehead Award: Man Denies Owning Cocaine On His Nose ! ! ! ! _______________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! _______________________________________________ Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway. --- Elbert Hubbard _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Walking down main street in Toronto, two local men met a Catholic nun who's arm was in a sling. "What's wrong with your arm, sister?" asked one local bubba. "It's broken in three places," the nun replied. "How did it happen?" asked the second, now wide eyed. "I slipped in a bathtub," answered the nun. After leaving, the first local man asked the other, "Justin, what's a bathtub?" "Heck, I don't know," said his friend, "I ain't no Catholic!" ______________________________________________________` _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Fabricio Jimenez, 20, Tampa, Florida Man Denies Owning Cocaine On His Nose JUNE 10--A Florida Man who had cocaine on his nose when the vehicle he was traveling in was stopped this weekend by police told arresting officers that the drug was not his, investigators say. Fabricio Jimenez, 20, was a passenger in a car that was pulled over Sunday during a 4:30 AM traffic stop in suburban Tampa. When a Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office deputy approached the auto, the female cop immediately noticed Jimenez had a white powdery substance on his nose she recognized to be powder cocaine, according to investigators. Jimenez's nose was subsequently swabbed by police and a field test returned a positive result for the presence of cocaine in the sample. As seen above, deputies photographed Jimenez and his dusty nose during the traffic stop. A search of Jimenez yielded a small bag of cocaine, while police also seized a backpack containing 250 grams of marijuana and 13 Xanax pills (seen below). Jimenez, arrested on three felony narcotics possession charges, attempted to tell the deputies the cocaine on his nose was not his, according to the sheriff's office. It does not appear Jimenez offered an explanation as to how someone else's cocaine got into his nose. Jimenez is also facing probation violation charges in connection with his conviction last year on cocaine and marijuana charges. After pleading guilty to three felonies, Jimenez was sentenced in November to two years probation and ordered to perform 50 hours of community service. Jimenez was arrested last August following a traffic stop in Tampa. Cops found 11 bags of pot and 4 bags of cocaine in a backpack inside the 2009 Honda Accord (Jimenez was alone in the car). Jimenez, cops reported, admitted the marijuana and cocaine belonged to him, and he sells the marijuana for additional money. "Not MY nose, Ozzifer!" DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Elaine Re: Which browser to design for Dear Webby there are so many browsers out there now that it is hard to decide for which one to design a site for. Each one seems to have a few things different, and it is too timeconsuming to study all of them. Elaine Dear Elaine If you design your pages so that they look OK on Chrome, then they will work fine for most of your visitors. The FireFox fanatics know that some stuff doesn't work right, but they consider that a fair price to pay for religious fredom and the right to use a non-Microsoft browser. The same goes for Mac users. They know that the Safari browser has a few teeth missing and can't cope with Java as well as other browsers, but that is a battle scar that they learned to live with. As long as you don't use the newest and weirdest gimmicks, all browsers can display your stuff, if it is designed for Chrome. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror and wonders what it could be and suddenly WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later,he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and ,unbelievably , the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers, "Yeah...Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror. I don't like going over 200. There are cops around here!" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter. As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?" "Are you trying to be funny?" she replied. "No, I really wish you had" he sighed. "I left the tickets on it." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Storing Potatoes Store potatoes in a cool (40F), dark place for months. Do not allow potatoes to freeze. Potatoes should be stored in a bin that is at least a few inches off the ground but not piled more than 18 inches deep. thriftyfun.Com Where I grew up, most houses had a potato cellar that had at least a quarter of the floor just packed dirt. The rest, and walkways were concrete or boardwalks. Folk wisdom said that potatoes needed the gases emerging from the earth, otherwise they would not last until the next harvest. The potatoes were in wooden bins sitting on 2x4's. That trick worked fine for us and we always still had some old potatoes, when we started harvesting the new ones. Even if you can't grow potatoes, it's still worth storing them if you have a basement. By spring potatoes in the store often cost three times as much as at harvest time. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________________ | | Carnival faces from around the world. |
___________________________________________________ Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa Convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker con- tained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution in- volving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..." "Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them. ___________________________________________________ Thanks to Jai for this story: Two bowling teams charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The A team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the B team rode on the top level. The A team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the B team upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When she reached the top, she found all the B team members in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. So she asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of them looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!" ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
Thanks to Lillemor for this report: When the impending threat of hurricane Gustav was heading to Louisianna, the Governor of Louisiana issued a mandatory evacuation of New Orleans and the surrounding areas. In response to this order the Governor of Texas ordered the demolition of all bridges between the two states. Texas figured it would be cheaper to rebuild the bridges. ___________________________________________________ | Today, June 12 in 1099 Crusade leaders visited the Mount of Olives where they met a hermit who urged them to assault Jerusalem. 1442 Alfonso V of Aragon was crowned King of Naples. 1665 England installed a municipal government in New York. It was the former Dutch settlement of New Amsterdam. 1812 Napoleon's invasion of Russia began. 1838 The Iowa Territory was organized. 1849 Lewis Haslett patented a gas mask. (Patent US6529 A) 1897 Carl Elsener patented his penknife. The object later became known as the Swiss army knife. 1898 Philippine nationalists declared their independence from Spain. 1900 The Reichstag approved a second law that would allow the expansion of the German navy. 1901 Cuba agreed to become an American protectorate by accepting the Platt Amendment. 1912 Lillian Russel retired from the stage and was married for the fourth time. 1918 The first airplane bombing raid by an American unit occurred on World War I's Western Front in France. 1921 U.S. President Warren Harding urged every young man to attend military training camp. 1923 Harry Houdini, while suspended upside down 40 feet above the ground, escaped from a strait jacket. 1926 Brazil quit the League of Nations in protest over plans to admit Germany. 1935 U.S. Senator Huey Long of Louisiana made the longest speech on Senate record. The speech took 15 1/2 hours and was filled by 150,000 words. 1935 The Chaco War was ended with a truce. Bolivia and Paraguay had been fighting since 1932. 1937 The Soviet Union executed eight army leaders under Joseph Stalin. 1939 The National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum was dedicated in Cooperstown, New York. 1941 In London, the Inter-Allied Declaration was signed. It was the first step towards the establishment of the United Nations. 1944 Chinese Communist leader Mao Tse-tung announced that he would support Nationalist leader Chiang Kai-shek in the war against Japan. 1948 Ben Hogan won his first U.S. Open golf classic. 1963 "Cleopatra" starring Elizabeth Taylor, Rex Harrison, and Richard Burton premiered at the Rivoli Theatre in New York City. 1963 Civil rights leader Medgar Evers was fatally shot in front of his home in Jackson, MS. 1967 State laws which prohibited interracial marriages were ruled unconstitutional by the U.S. Supreme Court. 1971 Tricia Nixon and Edward F. Cox were married in the White House Rose Garden. 1975 Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was found guilty of corrupt election practices in 1971. 1979 Bryan Allen flew the Gossamer Albatross, man powered, across the English Channel. 1981 Major league baseball players began a 49 day strike. The issue was free-agent compensation. 1981 "Raiders of the Lost Ark" opened in the U.S. 1982 75,000 people rallied against nuclear weapons in New York City's Central Park. Jackson Browne, James Taylor, Bruce Springsteen, and Linda Ronstadt were in attendance. 1985 Wayne "The Great One" Gretsky was named winner of the NHL's Hart Trophy. The award is given to the the league Most Valuable Player. 1985 The U.S. House of Representatives approved $27 million in aid to the Nicaraguan contras. 1986 South Africa declared a national state of emergency. Virtually unlimited power was given to security forces and restrictions were put on news coverage of the unrest. 1987 U.S. President Reagan publicly challenged Mikhail Gorbachev to tear down the Berlin Wall. 1990 The parliament of the Russian Federation formally declared its sovereignty. 1991 Russians went to the election polls and elected Boris N. Yeltsin as the president of their republic. 1991 The Chicago Bulls won their first NBA championship. The Bulls beat the Los Angeles Lakers four games to one. 1992 In a letter to the U.S. Senate, Russian Boris Yeltsin stated that in the early 1950's the Soviet Union had shot down nine U.S. planes and held 12 American survivors. 1996 In Philadelphia a panel of federal judges blocked a law against indecency on the internet. The panel said that the 1996 Communications Decency Act would infringe upon the free speech rights of adults. 1997 Interleague play began in baseball, ending a 126-year tradition of separating the major leagues until the World Series. 1997 The U.S. Treasury Department unveiled a new $50 bill meant to be more counterfeit-resistant. 1998 Compaq Computer paid $9 billion for Digital Equipment Corp. in largest high-tech acquisition. It left them so broke that HP picked them up for a song. 1999 NATO peacekeeping forces entered the province of Kosovo in Yugoslavia. 2003 In Arkansas, Terry Wallis spoke for the first time in nearly 19 years. Wallis had been in a coma since July 13, 1984, after being injured in a car accident. 2009 In the U.S., The switch from analog TV trasmission to digital was completed. 2019 Do smiled. |
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