Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, June 13 ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Cop dragged by freed gang member in NYC ___________________________________________________ Today, June 13 in 1920 The U.S. Post Office Department ruled that children may not be sent by parcel post. ____________________________________________________ I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. --- Marshall McLuhan (1911 - 1980) We are here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don't know. --- W. H. Auden (1907 - 1973) ____________________________________________________ After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be. Our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations." "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months" "Well, there you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's rust. ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost". ____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Takim Newsom, 32, New Tiek City, New York, USA Cop dragged by freed gang member in NYC Thanks to the citys lax attitude toward criminals, New York City has turned into a Gangsters Paradise where criminals literally run free. One such criminal, Takim Newson, allegedly shot a victim in the groin while trying to rob him at a bar in Queens on Valentines Day. But after being tracked down and finally apprehended earlier this month, he was released without bail, according to Fox News. Now fast-forward to early this Friday morning, when the freed criminal suspect got himself involved in several additional crimes during and after a traffic stop in Brownsville, a neighborhood in Brooklyn. Officials say Takim Newsom, 32, was blocking traffic and had improperly tinted windows when police approached him on Rockaway Parkway in Brownsville just before 4 a.m. Friday, local station WABC reported. But as an officer began speaking with Newsom, the suspect suddenly threw his Mercedes Benz into reverse, dragging the officer as he sped away, according to WABC. The officer reportedly sustained injuries to his arms and legs. Early this morning, officers from the @NYPD71Pct conducted a car stop. During their investigation, officers determined the driver was not fit to drive and asked him to step out of the vehicle. That's when he put the car in reverse, running over the lieutenant. After successfully fleeing from the authorities, Newsom then reportedly went on a 12-hour crime binge. About 90 minutes later, Newson allegedly broke into a house nearly 15 miles away on Grassmere Terrace in Far Rockaway, where he smashed his way inside by breaking the lock on the door, sources said, the New York Post reported. The ex-con and reputed member of the Edgemere Crew gang allegedly threatened a 66-year-old woman by pretending he had a gun in his pocket but left without taking anything after the cops tracked him there, sources said. He then reportedly made his way on foot to nearby Beach 13th Street, where he allegedly stole a green Jaguar S-Type sedan at around 5:30 a.m., sources said. He was finally apprehended around 3:00 pm Friday afternoon on Long Island, where his father reportedly lives, after the license plates of the Jaguar hed stolen triggered an electronic reader. As of Saturday morning, he was behind bars again, though only God knows for how long. Newsom reportedly has an extensive criminal record. He has more than 20 prior arrests, including two incidents of shots fired at police in 2008 and 2011, as reported by WABC. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits FROM: GrannyMia RE: Why fiber? Dear Webby! I realize that the ISPs and phone company are fanatic about wanting to go to fiber. Here too. WHY? Copper never goes bad, never corrodes, and if they say it does, then they are lying.I got copper lines in the basement that are 125 years old, and they are not the least bit corroded. So, why are the liars so fanatic about fiber? GrannyMia Dear GrannyMia! On copper it is difficult to run many separate clients on the same wire, like they used to do on the old railroad telegraph system. If they would read the instructions and do what the old railroaders did, they probably COULD run 256 customers per wire. On fiber it is easier, there they can assign a color to each customer and run, theoretically, 16 Million on one fiber. It won't get them new clients, but the theory impressed some yuppies in te head office. They will never get up to South Korean speeds. By the time they get to 200 Mbps all across, everybody in South Korea will have 400 Mbps. Have FUN! DearWebby During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife!" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ Little Johnny asked the librarian how to use the card catalogue. After pouring over the little drawers full of cards he approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila." "T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, and Little Johnny went back to his search. A short time later he came to the desk, looking quite upset. "I just can't find it." he said. "What book are you looking for?" the librarian asked. "Tequila Mockingbird." ___________________________________________ >From Donny WHY SHARKS CIRCLE Here's your (educational) story for the day . . Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam towards the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did, and when they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first ? Why did we swim around and around them ?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!" ____________________________________________ >From Myrna What I Want in a Man, Original List 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer thing 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32) 1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head) 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) 1. Not too ugly (bald head OK) 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. Shaves most weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52) 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers your name on occasion 10. Shaves some weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62) 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when asleep 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers that it's the weekend What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72) 1. Breathing 2. Doesn't miss the toilet. ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today, June 12, in 1415 Henry the Navigator, the prince of Portugal, embarked on an expedition to Africa. 1777 The Marquis de Lafayette arrived in the American colonies to help with their rebellion against the British. 1789 Ice cream was served to General George Washington by Mrs. Alexander Hamilton. 1825 Walter Hunt patented the safety pin. Hunt then then sold the rights for $400. 1866 The 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was passed by the U.S. Congress. It was ratified on July 9, 1868. The amendment was designed to grant citizenship to and protect the civil liberties of recently freed slaves. It did this by prohibiting states from denying or abridging the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States, depriving any person of his life, liberty, or property without due process of law, or denying to any person within their jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws. 1898 The Canadian Yukon Territory was organized. 1900 China's Boxer Rebellion against foreigners and Chinese Christians erupted into violence. 1912 Captain Albert Berry made the first successful parachute jump from an airplane in Jefferson, Mississippi. 1920 The U.S. Post Office Department ruled that children may not be sent by parcel post. 1922 Charlie Osborne started the longest attack on hiccups. He hiccuped over 435 million times before stopping. He died in 1991, 11 months after his hiccups ended. 1923 The French set a trade barrier between the occupied Ruhr and the rest of Germany. That did not go over well. 1927 Charles Lindbergh was honored with a ticker-tape parade in New York City. 1927 For the first time, an American Flag was displayed from the right hand of the Statue of Liberty. 1940 Paris was evacuated before the German advance on the city. 1943 German spies landed on Long Island, New York. They were soon captured. 1944 Germany launched 10 of its new V1 rockets against Britain from a position near the Channel coast. Of the 10 rockets only 5 landed in Britain and only one managed to kill (6 people in London). 1944 Marvin Camras patented the wire recorder. 1949 Bao Dai entered Saigon to rule Vietnam. He had been installed by the French. 1951 U.N. troops seized Pyongyang, North Korea. 1966 The landmark "Miranda v. Arizona" decision was issued by the U.S. Supreme Court. The decision ruled that criminal suspects had to be informed of their constitutional rights before being questioned by police. 1967 Solicitor General Thurgood Marshall was nominated by President Lyndon B. Johnson to become the first black justice on the U.S. Supreme Court. 1971 The New York Times began publishing the "Pentagon Papers". The articles were a secret study of America's involvement in Vietnam. 1978 Israelis withdrew the last of their invading forces from Lebanon. 1979 Sioux Indians were awarded $105 million in compensation for the U.S. seizure in 1877 of their Black Hills in South Dakota. 1983 The unmanned U.S. space probe Pioneer 10 became the first spacecraft to leave the solar system. It was launched in March 1972. The first up-close images of the planet Jupiter were provided by Pioneer 10. 1988 The Liggett Group, a cigarette manufacturer, was found liable for a lung-cancer death. They were, however, found innocent by the federal jury of misrepresenting the risks of smoking. 1989 U.S. President George H.W. Bush exercised his first Presidential veto on a bill dealing with minimum wage. 1992 Future U.S. President Bill Clinton criticized rap singer Sister Souljah for making remarks "filled with hatred" towards whites. 1994 A jury in Anchorage, Alaska, found Exxon Corp. and Captain Joseph Hazelwood to be reckless in the Exxon Valdez oil spill. 1995 France announced that they would conduct eight more nuclear tests in the South Pacific. 2000 In Pyongyang, North Korea's leader Kim Jong Il welcomed South Korea's President Kim Dae for a three-day summit. It was the first such meeting between the leaders of North and South Korea. 2021 Do smiled. |
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