Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, April 24, 2023 ___________________________________________________ History: Today, April 24 in 1967, The newest Greek regime banned miniskirts. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award: South Elgin man arrested for stabbing and killing his mother _____________________________________________________ Q Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do. --- Dale Carnegie Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. --- Dave Barry (1947 - ) _____________________________________________________ Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2 minutes. I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?" ______________________________________________________ Just about all my life I belonged to the Reformed Lutheran Church. When I married my wife, I converted to her church. In order to do so, I had to attend classes. At the first session, the minister conducting the class said, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from God?" I replied, perhaps too quickly... "Sin?" ___________________________________________________ A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property." "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's my husband's idea. He says he can't communicate with me." ___________________________________________________ At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again." ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression. Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..." "Yes, son?" the father said expectantly. "Which bus should I take home?" the boy finished. _____________________________________________________ A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." "I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!" _____________________________________________________ As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" An Aussie stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". ___________________________________________________  ___________________________________________________ Dear Webby's Tech Support Pits From: Lily Re: Why is inkjet so much more expensive per page? Dear Webby I know that the ink used in inkjet printers is just cheap water and a tiny bit of pigment, and heavy advertising. So, why is it so ridiculously expensive, especially when you buy it from HP or Canon? My hubby's pages on a laser cost him 4 - 5 cents per page, mine cost 65 - 95 cents per page. That is ridiculous! Lily Dear Lily! Yes, that is right. And I know who you voted for. Why don't you do the same as your hubby, -and me-, and get yourself a laser printer. Sure, a Laser printer will cost you $150 and up, but considering the cost of the toner versus ink, you will save that very quickly. In addition to that, a Laser will NEVER dry out, never have plugged printer jets. It doesn't care if you don't use it for a week or 20 years, it just lights up, warms up in 10 seconds, and starts printing. A fringe benefit is that it makes pages waterproof. If an ink printed page gets rained on, it looks pathetic and is unreadable. Washed out. A laser printed page retains it's waxy sheen and as long as the paper does not deteriorate or burn, the print job is still fine. Have FUN! DearWebby ___________________________________________________ As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" An Aussie stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _________________________________________________  ____________________________________________________ A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son Morris, the surgeon. The father says, "Son, think of it this way ... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you." _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD reported by Rock, has been earned by  Michal Wybraniec, 30, Elgin, Illinois USA South Elgin man accused of stabbing and killing his mother The Kane County State's Attorney's Office is charging 30-year-old Michal Wybraniec with first degree murder and armed violence. Prosecutors allege that Wybraniec stabbed 53-year-old Beata Wybraniec inside their home in the 200 block of Thornwood Way. The victim had tried to escape before being caught by Michal Wybraniec outside and stabbed again. Wybraneic's bond has been set at $2 million. He's being held in the Kane County Jail. Wybraneic is facing 20 to 60 years in prison, more if he murdered her to prevent her from talking about something he had done, according to the state's attorney's office. He's due back in court later this month. _____________________________________________________ Today, April 24 in 1519, Envoys of Montezuma II attended the first Easter mass in Central America. 1547, Charles V's troops defeated the Protestant League of Schmalkalden at the battle of Muhlburg. 1558, Mary, Queen of Scotland, married the French dauphin, Francis. 1800, The Library of Congress was established with a $5,000 allocation. 1805, The U.S. Marines attacked and captured the town of Derna in Tripoli. 1833, A patent was granted for first soda fountain. 1877, Russia declared war on the Ottoman Empire. 1877, In the U.S., federal troops were ordered out of New Orleans. This was the end to the North's post-Civil War rule in the South. 1884, Otto von Bismarck cabled Cape Town that South Africa was now a German colony. 1889, The Edison General Electric Company was organized. 1897, William Price became the first to be named White House news reporter. 1898, Spain declared war on the U.S., rejecting America's ultimatum for Spain to withdraw from Cuba. 1915, During World War I, the Ottoman Turkish Empire began the mass deportation of Armenians. 1916, Irish nationalists launched the Easter Rebellion against British occupation forces. They were overtaken several days later. 1944, The first B-29 arrived in China, over the Hump of the Himalayas. 1953, Winston Churchill was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II. 1955, "X-Minus One," a science fiction show, was first heard on NBC radio. 1961, U.S. President Kennedy accepted "sole responsibility" following Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba. 1962, MIT sent a TV signal by satellite for the first time. 1967, Soviet astronaut Vladimir Komarov died when his craft crashed with a tangled parachute. 1967, The newest Greek regime banned miniskirts. 1970, The People's Republic of China launched its first satellite. 1973, Albert Sabin reported that herpesviruses were factors in nine kinds of cancer. 1989, Thousands of students began striking in Beijing. 1990, The space shuttle Discovery blasted off from Cape Canaveral, FL. It was carrying the $1.5 billion Hubble Space Telescope. 1997, The U.S. Senate ratified the Chemical Weapons Convention. The global treaty banned the development, production, storage and use of chemical weapons. 2000, ABC-TV aired the TV movie "The Three Stooges." 2003, A U.S. official reported that North Korea had claimed to have nuclear weapons. 2023, Do smiled.
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