Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, June 2 Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Crystal Methvin picked up with crystal meth, AGAIN Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, June 2 in 1774 The Quartering Act, which required American colonists to allow British soldiers into their houses, was reenacted. More of today in history at HIstory ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ In prosperity our friends know us; in adversity we know our friends. --- John Churton Collins "Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber." --- Plato (427-347 B.C.) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?" "Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight." The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once." "George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?" "Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374? "No, this is 223-1375." "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number." There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?" _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ From Leesa in Hot Springs _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from her license. The instructor, a poice officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began. Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?" The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket." The officer let him in. _____________________________________________________ Reported by Walter, An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Crystal Methvin, 40, Douglas Nickerson, 41, St. Augustine Florida Crystal Methvin picked up with crystal meth, AGAIN Yes, I gave her bonehead awards before. According to the St. Johns County Sheriff's Jail Log, Methvin has been picked up on drug charges at least fourteen times since 1998. It's unclear how many of the other arrests involved crystal meth although they always involved Crystal Methvin. Florida police arrested a woman named Crystal Methvin for possession of crystal meth again Saturday morning. St. Augustine police said they arrested Methvin, 40, and her friend, Douglas Nickerson, 41, after getting an anonymous complaint about an unlicensed driver. Police arrested Douglas Nickerson on charges of possession and drug equipment. (St. Johns County Sheriff's Office) Officers responded to the parking lot of one-story office complex at 69 Dixie Highway and found Methvin, Nickerson and an unidentified third person sitting in a vehicle. Police say the three consented to a search, and officers arrested Methvin and Nickerson after finding crystal meth and drug paraphernalia. Both were taken to St. Johns County Jail. Online records show Methvin is being held on a $5,000 bond. She was charged with drug possession. Nickerson's bond was set at $5,500. He faces charges of drug possession and drug equipment. Tech Support Pits From: Carol Re: Why not Norton? Dear Webby, Thank you for the prompt response. What do you recommend rather than Norton, and why does it need a special removal tool? Thanks for the great job you are doing. Carol Dear Carol Norton hides stuff in places where you can't easily remove it without that special removal tool. It does not do a clean un-install and in some cases has required formatting to completely get rid of it. That's why experienced techs don't recommend it. Just use MalwareBytes and don't worry about it. Have FUN DearWebby A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water." Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. *TENDJEWBERRYMUD* It's amazing; you will understand the above word by the end of the conversation. Read aloud for best results. "Tendjewberrymud." Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees" Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service" RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??" G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs" RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?" G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine." RS : "Hokay. An San tos?" G: "What?" RS:"San tos. July San tos?" G: "I don't think so" RS: "No? Judo one toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means." RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?" G: "English muffin! I've got it! You were saying ' Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bother?" G: "No..just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Sorry?" RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. As ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say" RS: "Tendjewberrymud" G : "You're welcome" ------------------- If you plan to overnight in Hongcouver (formerly Vancouver, BC) then you better study Chinglish beforehand, so as to avoid embrrassing mitt-eggs, ahem mistakes. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Thanks to Sandie for this classic: A station in Tennessee was trying to make the high cost of gas worth the price so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local redneck, Billy Ray pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Billy Ray then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close; the number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time." A week later, Billy Ray along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number Billy Ray guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, Billy Ray said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Homemade Salsa Tip I got this tip from a neighbor. Instead of cooking homemade salsa on top of the stove where the tomatoes cook to a liquid, I roast the mixture at 350 degrees for 4-5 hours, stirring every hour. The tomatoes stay a little chunky and the sauce tastes and looks just like store bought. By Marjorie Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ >From Rita For the first few months of her co-op job for the state of Georgia, my sister had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom to a co-worker. "I know," she complained. "Everyone thinks state workers have it easy. But there's only so much you can pretend you're doing." ___________________________________________________ A friend asked a gentleman why he never married? Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl." "Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry." "Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." "Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend. "She was looking for the perfect man." ------------ That was my story too! Every time! ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again..?" ----------------------------- I remember a train like that in Austria, when I was a little kid. It had an awfully interesting steam engine that leaked steam in all kinds of places that did not seem right to me, but they wouldn't let me near it. They were probably afraid I would start taking it apart. I had a bit of a reputation for doing that. Anyway, that narrow gauge train moved at a pretty good clip on the steep downhill grades, but was very slow uphill. Each of the little verandahs at each end of the rail cars they had signs that the gwown-ups told me read: "Picking flowers while the train is in motion is strictly prohibited!" There were no signs against jumping off the train at the front of a rail car and jumping on again at the back, running to the front on the inside and doing it all over again. Just no picking flowers while waiting for the rear of the rail car to come along. But I had fun anyway, until they told me to sit down and shut up. ____________________________________________________ | Today, June 2 in 1537 Pope Paul III banned the enslavement of Indians. 1774 The Quartering Act, which required American colonists to allow British soldiers into their houses, was reenacted. 1793 Maximillian Robespierre initiated the "Reign of Terror". It was an effort to purge those suspected of treason against the French Republic. 1818 The British army defeated the Maratha alliance in Bombay, India. 1835 P.T. Barnum launched his first traveling show. The main attraction was Joice Heth. Heth was reputed to be the 161-year-old nurse of George Washington. 1851 Maine became the first U.S. state to enact a law prohibiting alcohol. 1883 The first baseball game under electric lights was played in Fort Wayne, Indiana. 1896 Guglieimo Marconi's radio telegraphy device was patented in Great Britain. 1897 Mark Twain, at age 61, was quoted by the New York Journal as saying "the report of my death was an exaggeration." He was responding to the rumors that he had died. 1910 Charles Stewart Roll became the first person to fly non-stop and double cross the English Channel. 1924 All American Indians were granted U.S. citizenship by the U.S. Congress. 1928 Nationalist Chiang Kai-shek captured Peking, China. 1930 Mrs. M. Niezes of Panama gave birth to the first baby to be born on a ship while passing through the Panama Canal. 1946 Italians voted by referendum to form a republic instead of a monarchy. 1953 Elizabeth was crowned queen of England at Westminster Abbey. 1954 U.S. Senator Joseph McCarthy charged that there were communists working in the CIA and atomic weapons plants. 1966 Surveyor 1, the U.S. space probe, landed on the moon and started sending photographs back to Earth of the Moon's surface. It was the first soft landing on the Moon. 1969 Australian aircraft carrier Melbourne sliced the destroyer USS Frank E. Evans in half off the shore of South Vietnam. 1979 Pope John Paul II arrived in his native Poland on the first visit by a pope to a Communist country. 1985 The R.J. Reynolds Company proposed a major merger with Nabisco that would create a $4.9 billion conglomerate. 1995 Captain Scott F. O'Grady's U.S. Air Force F-16C was shot down by Bosnian Serbs. He was rescued six days later. 1998 Royal Caribbean Cruises agreed to pay $9 million to settle charges of dumping waste at sea. 1998 Voters in Mexifornia passed Proposition 227. The act abolished the state's 30-year-old bilingual education program by requiring that all children be taught in English. 1999 In South Africa, the African National Congress (ANC) won a major victory. ANC leader Thabo Mbeki was to succeed Nelson Mandela as the nation's president. 2003 In the U.S., federal regulators voted to allow companies to buy more television stations and newspaper-broadcasting combinations in the same city. The previous ownership restrictions had not been altered since 1975. 2003 In Seville, Spain, a chest containing the supposed remains of Christopher Columbus were exhumed for DNA tests to determine whether the bones were really those of the explorer. The tests were aimed at determining if Colombus was currently buried in Spain's Seville Cathedral or in Santo Domingo in the Dominican Republic. 2003 William Baily was reunited with two paintings he had left on a subway platform. One of the works was an original Picasso rendering of two male figures and a recreation of Picasso's "Guernica" by Sophie Matisse. Sophie Matisse was the great-granddaughter of Henri Matisse. 2018 Do smiled. |
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