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| Good Morning, Do! Today is Thursday, September 29 Thank you, Nancy! ___________________________________________________ History on this day, september 29, in 1982, In Chicago, IL, seven people died after taking capsules of Extra-Strength Tylenol that had been laced with cyanide. 264,000 bottles were recalled. ____________________________________________________ international bonehead award NY THIEF WAS ARRESTED WHEN HE RAN OUT OF GAS IN FRONT OF A POLICE STATION ____________________________________________________ You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war. --- Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955) The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him. -- Russell Baker The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. --- Henry Kissinger (1923 - ) ___________________________________________________ Every Monday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the tele- phone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed-up the nerve to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle. ____________________________________________________ 82 years ago Herman James, a Tennessee Mountain Man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in Basic, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 82 years. __________________________________________________ reported by Rock an international bonehead award has been earned by Harold Tyler, 52, Sullivan County, New York, USA NY THIEF WAS ARRESTED WHEN HE RAN OUT OF GAS IN FRONT OF A POLICE STATION If youre a thief, you dont want to run out of gas. And you really dont want to run out of gas RIGHT IN FRONT of the police station. A 52-year-old man in New York named Harold Tyler ran out of gas in front of the Sullivan County Sheriffs Office last Monday. The police asked if he was okay, and he said he was waiting on a friend to bring him some gas. The cops must have been suspicious, because they ran his info, and found that he had a revoked license and the pickup truck was unregistered with switched plates. The police were also alerted that Harold was wanted for stealing around $2,000 worth of metal from a Department of Transportation yard nearby. Harold was charged with felony grand larceny, and he was denied bail because he has FIVE previous felony convictions. _____________________________________________________ A graduate in economics who completed his degree in the 1950's returned to his old university for a visit. He was amazed to see that the examination questions were identical to the ones asked in his day. When he pointed this out to a member of staff, he replied, "That's true, but, of course, the answers are completely different now." _____________________________________________________ Great Gray Owl, in the sunshine, proudly showing off a Vole she has captured. Water Valley area, northwest of Calgary Shirley Otway _________________________________________________ >From Irene My dry cleaner very generously provides a stack of free news- papers for his customers. As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers." "Oh, don't worry about us," he chuckled... "Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint." _____________________________________________________ Kingfisher in a Lotus ___________________________________________________ A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?" He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!" _________________________________________________ Dearwebby's tech support pits From: Brenda Re: Wireless Connectivity Dear Webby, I am used to using the wireless modem in my laptop to connect to hotels where I am staying, and am fairly comfortable with the procedure. However, now and then it happens that I connect to the hotel's router, and see good signal strength, but can't get anywhere. What do you recommend in those cases? Brenda Dear Brenda Get your money back and go to a better hotel. They gambled on a 4 station router being enough, and you were #5. They rarely admit that and that type of hotel usually tries to blame it on your computer. It is NOT your computer's fault, and NOT your settings. Do not let them talk you into changing your settings, and don't let them waste your time, while they hope that somebody will log off. Just demand your money back and go to a better hotel. Without messing with your settings, you can usually get better connectivity from the parking lot of a Holiday Inn, than from the lobby of for example a Baymont Inn. When enough people smarten up and demand their money back, they will eventually get proper equipment and stop trying to blame you. Have FUN! Dear Webby ___________________________________________________ >From Dr Moe Church Squirrel Infestations The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with Gods divine will. At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water- slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of Gods creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do. But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They havent seen a squirrel since. _____________________________________________________ HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL - 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right hand thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in right arm (To avoid wound on left arm) and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in best arm, holding rear paws tightly with hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front, and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill; put down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow through straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat on cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12) Call fire department to retrieve the ------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13) Tie the little ------'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Arrange for SPCA to collect the "cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs available. HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL - 1) Rub pill on a bit of bacon. Drop on the floor. _____________________________________________ ophelia dingbatter's news no sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt- in confirmation request. ____________________________________________________ today, september 29, in 1789, A regular army was established by the U.S. War Department with several hundred men. 1829, The first public appearance by London's re-organized police force was met with jeers from political opponents. The force became known as Scotland Yard. 1902, David Belasco opened his first Broadway theater. 1940, The radio quiz show "Double or Nothing" debuted on the Mutual Radio Network. 1943, U.S. Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower and Italian Marchal Pietro Badoglio signed an armistice aboard the British ship Nelson. 1946, "The Adventures of Sam Spade" debuted on CBS Radio. 1951, The first network football game was televised by CBS- TV in color. The game was between the University of California and the University of Pennsylvania. 1957, The New York Giants played their last game at the Polo Grounds. The next year the Giants were in San Francisco, CA. 1962, U.S. President John F. Kennedy nationalized the Mississippi National guard in response to city officials defying federal court orders. The orders had been to enroll James Meredith at the University of Mississippi. 1967, The International Monetary Fund reformed monetary systems around the world. 1977, Eva Shain became the first woman to officiate a heavyweight title boxing match. About 70 million people watched Muhammad Ali defeat Ernie Shavers on NBC-TV. 1982, In Chicago, IL, seven people died after taking capsules of Extra-Strength Tylenol that had been laced with cyanide. 264,000 bottles were recalled. 1983, The War Powers Act was used for the first time by the U.S. Congress when they authorized President Reagan to keep U.S. Marines in Lebanon for 18 more months. 1983, "A Chorus Line" with performance number 3,389 became the longest running show on Broadway. 1984, Irish officials announced that they had intercepted the Marita Anne carrying seven tons of U.S.-purchased weapons. The weapons were intended for the Irish Republican Army. 1984, Elizabeth Taylor was voted to be the world's most beautiful woman in a Louis Harris poll. Taylor was at the time in the Betty Ford Clinic overcoming a weight problem. 1988, The space shuttle Discovery took off from Cape Canaveral in Florida. It was the first manned space flight since the Challenger disaster. 1990, "Millie's Book" by First Lady Barbara Bush was the best-selling non-fiction book in the U.S. 1992, Brazilian lawmakers overwhelmingly voted to impeach President Fernando Collor de Mello. 1993, Bosnia's parliament voted overwhelmingly to reject an international peace plan unless Bosnian Serbs returned land that had been taken by force. 1994, The U.S. House voted to end the practice of lobbyists buying meals and entertainment for members of Congress. 1998, Hasbro announced plans to introduce an action figure of retired U.S. General Colin Powell. 2008, The Dow Industrial Average lost 777 points. It was the largest one-day decline to date. The drop came after the U.S. House of Representatives had voted down a $700 billion bank bailout plan. 2010, In China, Canton Tower became operational. 2022 Do! smiled. |
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