Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, August 27 ___________________________________________________ Bonehead award Half-naked squatter with face tattoos tries to drown deputy during bizarre chase ___________________________________________________ Q Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won't stand up either. --- Evan Esar (1899 - 1995) Sex appeal is fifty percent what you've got and fifty percent what you think you've got. --- Sophia Loren ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ History: 1999, The final crew of the Russian space station Mir departed the station to return to Earth. Russia was forced to abandon Mir for financial reasons. ___________________________________________________ Fairy GodMother After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them." Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged. The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again." The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed. __________________________________________________ Gran Strand, Sweden __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ WOULD THAT GET ME IN? "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class. "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!" _____________________________________________ >From Edo While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her. Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was she worth the trouble you're in now?" ____________________________________________________ Alberta Brownie _____________________________________________________ A college student wrote a letter home, "Dear folks, I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me. Your son, Marvin. P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late." A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, "Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!" ___________________________________________________ Anni and Wendy are passengers on a plane Wendy turns to Anni and says,"if this plane turns upside down will we fall out?" Anni turns and says, "No we'll stay the best of friends!" ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at Paint Lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week." "This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tacklebox. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?" The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box." ___________________________________________________ The children and grandchildren of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send Bubbe(grandmother in Jewish) on a cruise. Bubbe boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser. He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D." She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.? He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck." She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the steward there and he said, "I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C." Bubbe replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?" The steward said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin." Bubbe, needless to say, was delighted. She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy and he said, "Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B.".... "B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked Bubbe. The cabin boy answered, "B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed." "Oh" she said; "Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful." Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her Breakfast In Bed and she said, "F.U.C.K" Shocked, they said, "F.U.C.K? ...What do you mean F.U.C.K.?", To which the old grandmother replied, "Yes, F.U.C.K.. . First U Could Knock!" _______________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: MaryEllen Re: Windoze Gadgets Dear Webby, The ccompany I work at downgraded to W10. Boneheads! Don't ever do THAT! Aside from being frustratingly SCHLOW, the boneheads block my gadgets! I heard you have a way to sneak around their block. Please tell me before I throw this computer out the window and onto the bosses car! MaryEllen Dear MaryEllen Just go to https://8gadgetpack.net/ and download 8 Gadget Pack. Many Millions of people have done that. Have FUN! DearWebby ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _______________________________________________ A Bonehead award has been reported by Rock Richard Michael Turner, Franklin Furnace area, Ohio, USA Half-naked squatter with face tattoos tries to drown deputy during bizarre chase A suspected squatter in Ohio was arrested on attempted murder charges after he allegedly fled authorities while wearing only his underwear and tried to drown a deputy in a pond, according to a sheriffs office. The Scioto County Sheriffs Office said 911 dispatchers received a call from a property owner in the Franklin Furnace area Monday who requested authorities check their home for squatters. Deputies were dispatched around 6 p.m. and found a man near a pond on the property, as well as a man and a woman in the homes bedroom, according to the sheriff offices press release. The male suspect in the bedroom was "wearing only his underwear" and appeared to be "under the influence" when he ran from a sheriffs deputy. "The deputy gave chase and the male suspect ran down a hill and jumped into a pond, stating that you can't tase me now, I am in water," the sheriffs office said in its press release. The deputy managed to grab hold of the suspect, later identified as 28-year-old Richard Michael Turner, but a struggle ensued, with Turner grabbing the deputys radio so he could not call for help. "As the altercation continued, the suspect got the deputy in a headlock and dragged him under water, resulting in the deputy blacking out and almost drowning. The suspect then fled the scene, leaving the deputy in need of medical assistance," the sheriffs office said. HANDYMAN WHO TURNED THE TABLES ON SQUATTERS CLAIMS HE'S HACKED THEIR SYSTEM AND CAN HANDLE YOURS TOO The deputy was treated at a local hospital and released Monday evening, WSAZ reported. Authorities have not released the deputys name. uthorities arrested the two other individuals allegedly squatting at the property, and launched a manhunt to track down Turner. Tamera Clifton, 30, was arrested on a charge of breaking and entering, which is a felony of the fifth degree in Ohio. Clifton is reportedly Turners girlfriend, according to authorities. Birdine Cole, 39, was arrested on the same charge. Both suspects were held on $15,000 bonds. The manhunt for Turner continued until just after 1 a.m. Tuesday, when the suspect returned to the private property to pick up items he left behind when he fled. He was arrested and charged with attempted aggravated murder, felonious assault on a peace officer, obstructing official business, and breaking and entering. Turner is being held on a $230,000 bond, according to the sheriffs office. The investigation into the matter is ongoing. They are checking what else they can nail him for. __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the humor letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work, please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! __________________________________________________ History Today August 27, in 1660, The books of John Milton were burned in London due to his attacks on King Charles II. 1789, The Declaration of the Rights of Man was adopted by the French National Assembly. 1828, Uruguay was formally proclaimed to be independent during preliminary talks between Brazil and Argentina. 1858, The first cabled news dispatch was sent and was published by "The New York Sun" newspaper. The story was about the peace demands of England and France being met by China. 1859, The first oil well was successfully drilled in the U.S. by Colonel Edwin L. Drake near Titusville, PA. 1889, Charles G. Conn received a patent for the metal clarinet. 1892, The original Metropolitan Opera House in New York was seriously damaged by fire. 1894, The Wilson-Gorman Tariff Act was passed by the U.S. Congress. The provision within for a graduated income tax was later struck down by the U.S. Supreme Court. 1921, The owner of Acme Packing Company bought a pro football team for Green Bay, WI. J.E. Clair paid tribute to those who worked in his plant by naming the team the Green Bay Packers. (NFL) 1928, The Kellogg-Briand Pact was signed by 15 countries in Paris. Later, 47 other nations would sign the pact. 1938, Robert Frost, in a fit of jealousy, set fire to some papers to disrupt a poetry recital by another poet, Archibald MacLeish. 1939, Nazi Germany demanded the Polish corridor and Danzig. 1945, American troops landed in Japan after the surrender of the Japanese government at the end of World War II. 1962, Mariner 2 was launched by the United States. In December of the same year the spacecraft flew past Venus. It was the first space probe to reach the vicinity of another planet. 1972, North Vietnam's major port at Haiphong saw the first bombings from U.S. warplanes. 1981, Work began on recovering a safe from the Andrea Doria. The Andrea Doria was a luxury liner that had sank in 1956 in the waters off of Massachusetts. 1984, U.S. President Ronald Reagan announced that the first citizen to go into space would be a teacher. The teacher that was eventually chosen was Christa McAuliffe. She died in the Challenger disaster on January 28, 1986. 1985, The Space Shuttle Discovery left for a seven-day mission in which three satellites were launched and another was repaired and redeployed. 1989, The first U.S. commercial satellite rocket was launched. A British communications satellite was onboard. 1990, The U.S. State Department ordered the expulsion of 36 Iraqi diplomats. 1991, The Soviet republic of Moldavia declared its independence. 1996, California Governor Pete Wilson signed an order that would halt state benefits to illegal immigrants. 1998, "Titanic" became the first movie in North America to earn more than $600 million. 1999, The final crew of the Russian space station Mir departed the station to return to Earth. Russia was forced to abandon Mir for financial reasons. 2001, The U.S. military announced that an Air Force RQ-1B "Predator" aircraft was lost over Iraq. It was reported that the unmanned aircraft "may have crashed or been shot down." 2001, Work began on the future site of a World War II memorial on the U.S. capital's historic national Mall. The site is between the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial. 2023, Do smiled.
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