| Unconditional love—It’s a crucial idea in family life. As parents, we love our children unconditionally. We reassure them that they can come to us with anything, even if they’ve done something wrong, and we’ll be there for them. Unconditional love is often discussed in marriage, too. But I’ve often wondered if “unconditional” is really the right word. Of course, in marriage we don’t directly put conditions on our love (I will only love you if...), but when marriage begins, we do make promises that frame and orient the commitments of love. These promises to be faithful and to cherish enable spouses to love each other for the good of the other and for the good of the marriage. In this sense, covenental love is a more fitting phrase for marriage than unconditional love. There is a sense that these promises or “conditions” direct our love to contribute to both the other’s good and the good of the marriage. We also often hear of “unconditional support” in discussions about marriage. We are called to be our spouse’s cheerleader—to encourage them in their endeavors. But is “unconditional” really the right framing for what support ought to look like? In this week’s featured article, Dorcas Cheng-Tozun says no. In “Your Spouse Doesn’t Need Your Unconditional Support,” Cheng-Tozun highlights the importance of not just speaking encouragement but also being willing to speak difficult-to-hear truths in marriage. This type of discerning honesty, too, is an expression of love—for while it may not “feel good” at the time, it is an expression of love oriented toward the other’s good and the good of the marriage. In her piece, Cheng-Tozun discusses how this can play out regarding a spouse’s work and entrepreneurial ambitions, but the principles apply to all aspects of marriage. While challenging conversations can be tiring or even create conflict, Cheng-Tozun writes, “I believe that, in the end, my husband and I have both benefited from these hard conversations. He knows I speak from a place of love and respect, and when he, in turn, challenges me, I know he has similar motives. Our relationship, as well as our individual characters, have experienced the fruit of this shaping and gentle nudging toward maturation.” |
