Ophelia Dingbatter's News

Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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 Good Morning, John! Today is Friday, June 2 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!  Enjoy! Ophelia 
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 _____________________________________________________ Here is ONE of the many jokes from the full version: _____________________________________________________ 2 A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue." The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave." Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Whirling Walter!" =====================================================   
 
  
 Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia  ======================================================

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Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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  Good Morning, John! Today is Monday, May 29 Memorial Day in the USA: Honor those, who have died while in the armed forces. Enjoy! Ophelia

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Sharon who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette lighter to economise in matches. After a short time it began to give her trouble. So she spoke to Martin who had one, having just seen him light a cigarette with it and put it in his pocket. Sharon: "Now be a dear, and tell me about that thing you have there in your trousers." Martin: (Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit embarrassed) "I'm not used to discussing such things with ladies." Sharon: "Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how does yours work? Do you jerk it up and down?" Martin: "Oh, sometimes..." Sharon: "Then it's different from mine, just opens and shuts. Do you rub yours up and down until something comes?" Martin: "Oh yes, especially in cold weather." Sharon: "Have you ever tried pulling your wick and dipping it?" Martin: "No, most certainly not!" Sharon: "Oh. You should, it does it good. You never soaked it before then?" Martin: "Of course I haven't." Sharon: "You should try it then sometimes, it takes the stiffness out of it." Martin: "Er, well... I'm afraid that you are a naughty girl." Sharon: (Thinking he referred to smoking) "Oh, every girl does it now a days anyway. What about your wick, is it a long one?" Martin: "Yes, it is rather on the long side." Sharon: "I think I will have to try a bigger one because the one I use does not seem to go far enough to do any good. Does yours go red on the end when it's dry?" Martin: "Yes." Sharon: "So does mine. In the past mine has been giving me much trouble. Would you like to have a look at it?" Martin: "No no, not now. We had better wait until it's dark." Sharon: "Don't be ridiculous, you can see much better in the daylight. It has been leaking these past few days so I have put a rag around it. I'll unwind it now (opening her handbag and producing her lighter). Look, here it is (dashing her lighter). It has run out again, damn... now I'll have to go back to matches." Martin collapses. _____________________________________________________ 2 Feeling bored of the routine way of love-making,the husband decided to find new ways to make love-making more interesting. So he decided to use his toes instead. After a few days, he noticed that he had a rash on his toes. Feeling uncomfortable, he went to a clinic and was diagnosed as having contracted herpes on his toes. The husband was shock and worry from the diagnosis. Trying to pacify, the doctor says "It's not that bad, this morning I attended a woman who was diagnosed as having athlete's crotch! It's amazing!" _____________________________________________________ 3 This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused. "Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers... you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow." Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him. "I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor. "Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!" ____________________________________________________ 4 Six stages of married life: 1: Tri-weekly 2: Try weekly 3: Try weakly 4. Try oysters 5: Try anything 6: Try to remember _____________________________________________________ 5 The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day and said, "Just how much is that watch?" "It's $2000, ma'am." "Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?" "Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?" "I was thinking two times a week for the next two months." _____________________________________________________ 6 An old lady goes into the doctors and says "Doctor I've got terrible wind. I just can't stop. Luckily they are completely silent and they don't smell at all. In fact, you won't have noticed, but I've farted 20 times since I've been in here." The doctor listens and says "OK, well take these tablets, 3 per day for the next week and they should help." The lady returns a week later looking really crest fallen and not at all happy. She say's "Doctor, those tablets just made things worse. Now the farts smell dreadful." The doctor replied: "Well, now we've cleared your sinuses, we just need to sort out your hearing." =====================================================

Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia

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