Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults. |
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Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, November 3 (`v) Ophelia Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter.Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter.
Renew / Upgrade ____________________________________________________ 1 For attendance reporting, the instructor must state the number of students present by gender; for example, "I have fourteen boys and thirteen girls in attendance." One day our principal was more than a little miffed at having to remind several teachers of the correct procedure. He was apparently somewhat forgetful, too, when he checked on the girls' physical-education instructor. "I have twenty-seven pupils present, Sir," the instructor announced. "Lady," he shouted through the intercom, "I need sex!" ______________________________________________________ 2 Some of Ronald Reagan's memorable one-liners: - "There you go again..." [after getting shot] - "Honey, I forgot to duck." - "I have only one thing to say to tax increasers: Go ahead...make my day." [debate with Walter Mondale] - "I am not going to exploit for political purposes my opponent's youth and inexperience." - "Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first." - "A tree's a tree. How many more do you need to look at?" - "I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." - "I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting." _____________________________________________________ 3 There was a father and son who were always in competition with each other. One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to major in medicine. A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his father. "They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and stuff. I got a score of 75%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted," the boy replied. "Well in that case I better take that exam myself," the father said. So off to the university he went. A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his son. "They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and I got them all wrong but one." "Gee, Dad. Which question was that?" "The question was...", started the father, "What do you do when you come across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?" "That's easy", the son replied. "The answer is pulse." "Oh, hell," said the father," I got that one wrong as well." ____________________________________________________ 4 A miss whom they all thought a prude Went out for a swim in the nude. Then a man came along, And - unless I am wrong - You expected this line to be lewd. ____________________________________________________ 5 A British World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. (Joke best delivered with a good thick English accent) "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting our bombers when suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and one fokker was right above me. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me." (At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh.) The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company" "That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts." _____________________________________________________ 6 How do you get your husband interested in oral sex? Douche with beer. What do you call a gay gentleman from the Deep South? A homo-sex-y'all. Hear about the new gay sitcom? Leave it, it's Beaver. Why is sex is like software? For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free. What's the most active muscle in a woman ? The penis. What's the difference between a sorority and a circus? A circus is a cunning array of stunts. What's the definition of a vicious circle? A pussy with teeth. How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex? She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns. How do you get a woman off during sex? Push her. ____________________________________________________ 7 Liana was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dove in. A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes. Having gotten out of the water and discovered her clothes had been stolen, Liana decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home. Along came Steve, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Liana. "Come," he said, "I'll ride you into town." She jumped on his bicycle and rode in front of him. Steve said nothing, but after ten minutes Liana was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?" "Sure," said Steve. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girls bike?" ____________________________________________________ 8 Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad. Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?" Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man." Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods." "Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it." Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about." Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage." "So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz. Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters." __________________________________________________
Enjoy! Ophelia ===================
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