The Woman in the Polycule Who Got Pregnant at the Same Time As Her Partner

As told to Anna Medaris

Illustration: Palesa Monareng

Erin had been with her husband, James, for almost six years when she broached the idea of opening up their marriage. It wasn’t the first time she had thought about it. She’d been drawn to polyamory long before she had a name for it — not understanding while in high school, for example, why she shouldn’t kiss a boy who wasn’t her boyfriend — and had discussed the possibility with James throughout their relationship. 

In 2018, the pair agreed it was time to give it a try. They downloaded Feeld and started dating and sleeping with other people of all genders. “It felt correct, invigorating, life-giving, incredible — and terrifying,” says Erin, who works as a therapist specializing in sex and relationships. 

When the pandemic forced their new lifestyle online, Erin met Alex in a polyamorous chat room. “It was like we had known each other for ten years and also had the sparks of just meeting,” Erin, now 36, says. The feelings only multiplied when they met each other’s spouses. James and Alex hit it off as friends, and Erin and Rebecca hit it off as friends and lovers with each other and with both men. “I had a deep knowing that this was something special,” Erin says. 

Just before 2022, the foursome moved in together. “I truly never thought I’d move in with new people again after James and I had been together for so long,” Erin says, adding that the new arrangement felt both scary and normal. The group got a dog and settled into routines as a polycule — rotating sleep partners and chores while still dating people outside their primary group. Both original couples got divorced so each member of the foursome would be on equal ground legally and emotionally. 

But as another year or so passed and conversations turned toward their collective future, Erin realized her desire to become a mother aligned with Rebecca’s and Alex’s dreams but not James’s. 

“I’ve known I’ve wanted to have kids my whole life, and eventually it caught up with us that James wasn’t so sure,” Erin says. “At that point, I had two people who were really excited and wanted to become parents, and the comparison with James became stark.” 

In 2023, James moved out. Here’s what happened next.