was the old me better?

In therapy, I discovered that I often compare “old Amy” to “present Amy.”

Old Amy got shit done efficiently.

Old Amy hustled.

She never missed a deadline, appointment, or text message reply.

Her house was spotless, organizational skills on par, and always looked the part (whatever “the part” required at the time).

When I compare myself to this old version, I feel like a complete failure. Lazy. Hopeless that I will never be that person again.

But…why do I seek to be that person again?

This is the question that I’ve been working through.

Looking at it objectively, I’ve learned that old Amy was seeking self-worth through the energy of production, perfection, and achievements that I mentioned above.

I pushed myself so hard to be everything and to be everywhere for everybody. It became my coping skill for the hidden, shameful parts of my life where I was regularly berated, manipulated, and abused. In this relationship, being my true self was not worthy of love, so I sought it out otherwise, not knowing that self-worth starts with ME. But I tried what I knew best at the time. And it never worked.

Present Me is in a better place with my self-worth, though those occasional comparison thoughts still make their way to my brain.

The truth is, I’ll never be the old version of myself. It’s not possible. I don’t even want it to be possible.

I am a changed person on many, many levels, but there are some similarities that will never change.

I am not a stranger to myself. Instead, I am a better version of myself, or at least, that is what I am working towards. And I fail often. But I can recognize the failure and try again.

While I work on Present Amy, I often think about Future Amy.

What will she be like?

What will she be doing?

What or who will she love?

I’m excited to take this self-work journey to find out.

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love & peace,

amy dawn