Doctors used to recommend that parents who used donor sperm or eggs keep their kids' conception a secret from them, fearing the truth would confuse or even psychologically harm them. But as donor-conceived kids have grown up, advocates within that community have argued that this is far from the healthiest course of action.

Their message is validated by a new study, which presents the first-ever longitudinal data on the family relationships of children conceived via third-party assisted reproduction (donor eggs or sperm, or surrogacy). The 20-year study found that it’s always better for family relationships to tell children where they come from early on.

Here's what else they learned about how and when to have these conversations:

• Before age seven is the best time. When asked as adults, half of participants who had been told after age seven that they were donor-conceived reported problems in family relationships, compared to just 12% of participants who’d been told before age seven.
• Insecurity about having assisted-reproduction children can lead to further psychological harm. Stressing that your child will someday reject you as their parent can sometimes do more damage to family relationships than children’s own insecure feelings about their origins.
• Parents who used donor sperm are less likely to disclose to their kids than parents who used a donor egg. Stigma around male infertility may be to blame.

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